Operation: SAGAS
by PhantoMNiGHT321
Summary: /Sonic And Gang Are Stupid/ Complete and total randomness concerning the Sonic Heroes that gets crazier as it goes on! With a jackass Sonic, a perverted Tails, a hated Amy, an angry Knuckles, an evil Shadow, a sadistic Cream, and much more, this is SAGAS!
1. Just An Ordinary Day

**_Just An Ordinary Day_**

_Planet Mobius, a wondrous world filled with beauty and excitement. It has almost an unlimited number of colorful places and people alike. One such place is Station Square, a large city where lots of happenings occur. Near said city is a well known large tower. Said tower is 6 stories high. It had chrome walls and was covered by blue panel windows and finally, the large blue letters S and H on it. It was where the guardians of the world lived, the famed Sonic Heroes, lived, lead by Sonic the Hedgehog himself.. They were a diverse group of conflicting species and personalities. They faced many challenges with evil and even each other. But despite that, the were a family. One big happy, loving, caring..._

**_Splash!_**

"GODDAMMIT, SONIC!", roared Knuckles the now drenched Echidna.

_Yes, one big happy, loving, caring family indeed._

He had just opened the door to his room which was slightly open. He saw Sonic walking from the direction of his room, but ignored him and the strange smile Sonic gave him. He swore to Chaos he should have seen this coming. Sonic and Tails were around the corner in the hallway of the scene, snickering. They high-fived each other, both yelling, "Awesome!". Knuckles had left his room to workout or whatever the fuck he does in his spare time when Sonic got a great idea: Open his room door slightly and place a bucket of "water" on it so when the Knucklehead walks in, he gets covered in "water". He could't do it alone so he had Tails fly him out of Knuckles' room window after he placed the bucket on top of the door. Needless to say, the prank went without fail, however there were always consequences for fucking with Knuckles. Sonic and Tails were laughing their furry asses off as Knuckles angrily stalked closer.

"Ahahaha! D-Did you-Did you see the look on his-his face?" Sonic said, doubled over in laughter.

"Yeah! He looked so shocked when it fell on him!" Tails laughed out, on his hands and knees, wiping a tear from his eye. The two of them laughed as Knuckles inched ever so much closer to them.

"I know! He just walked right in." Sonic chortled. He had no idea Knuckles stood behind him.

"Haha! Yeah, he had no idea it was..." Tails trailed off as he noticed a large dark shadow trailing over them. He looked up and saw Knuckles "uh Sonic..." Tails said worriedly.

"Hahaha! And he looked up and just sat there as it splashed him!" Sonic continued, not knowing red death was behind him.

"Sonic..." Tails tried to warn again but it was in vain."

"And he probably thinks its water!"

"WHAT?" Knuckles yelled in anger and fear hold Sonic by his neck. Sonic shot Tails a look.

"Tails, why didn't you warn me?" Sonic chocked out. Tails shot him "Fuck You!" a look.

"If that wasn't water in that bucket, what was it?" Knuckles demanded. Sonic had a sheepish look.

"...Piss...," he answered. Knuckles had a look of fear and shock and WTF written all over his face.

"Wha?...What?" Knuckles he asked.

"Chao piss." Sonic repeated. Knuckles left eye twitched. He smelled himself. "Don't bother. Chao pee smells like female perfume." Sonic explained. Knuckles raised his fist to strike Sonic, but Tails saved him.

"Knuckles, look! Someone is stealing the Master Emerald for the 19th time this week!" Tails alerted in mock worry. Knuckles dropped Sonic in an instant and burst through the wall declaring "You won't get away!". Sonic massaged his neck as Tails ran over to him. Sonic seemed fine...only his neck was twisted in a weird way. It jutted to the left.

"Sonic, are you alright?" Tails asked with concern.

"Do I look like I'm alright? Look at my neck! It shouldn't look like this!" Sonic began to turn his head, but when he did, a painful sensation ripped through him, forcing him to turn it another way. His head was now dangling from his shoulders. Tails' eyes widened. "Look at me! My neck shouldn't be bending like this." Sonic yelled. He turned his head again and a bone popped out. "See that bone? SEE IT?" Sonic yelled. Tails was seriously scared shitless now.

"I'll fix this, I swear!" He promise. Sonic crossed his arms and turned his head again, making it hang upside down.

"You better or I'll do something you'll never forget!" Sonic threatened. With that, he stormed off through the halls of Sonic Heroes H.Q. Many "What the fuck"s and "Holy shit"s were heard from anyone who saw Sonic. Tails sat there in thought.

"What does he mean by something I'll never forget?" Tails asked out loud.

* * *

><p>Shadow the MOTHERFUCKING hedgehog was sitting at the dining table, drinking some coffee. He was looking out of the window watching the day go by. He saw clouds, the wind blow, some guy getting stabbed in an ally, the birds in the trees. One bird in particular was trying to "peck" his girl when he noticed Shadow starring at him.<p>

"Hey buddy, the fuck you starrin' at, huh?" the bird asked him. Shadow didn't care for his tone and threw a Chaos Spear at him, ending him in an instant. The female bird was in mid-shock.

"What did you do?" She shrieked.

"Killed him?" Shadow said nonchalantly.

"I'm calling the police and having you arres-" _**Zap! **_Shadow didn't was time tossing another Chaos Spear, killing her too.

"I am the police...bitch." Shadow said. He was about to take another sip of his coffee when Cream's blue abomination, Cheese flew in and crashed into him, spilling his coffee. Shadow jumped up and yelped in pain as the hot coffee scalded him. He liked his shit, HOT! He glared at Cheese. He had fire in his eyes. No, seriously, that shit was burning his eyebrows. Cream ran in seconds later and gasped at what happened.

"Oh, Shadow I'm so sorry for Cheese's behavior. Cheese, apologize." She said. The chao muttered some sort of apology and bowed its head. Shadow seemed content with that, Cream could tell for Shadow was smiling.

"It's okay. It's just a little coffee, but remember..." Shadow said as his face changed into a deadly serious one. He grabbed Cheese by his neck and took out his pistol, "...I. Will. Fuck. You. Up." Shadow finished, jabbing Cheese in the forehead with the barrel of the gun on each word he said. Out of fear, Cheese shat himself and it landed on Shadow's shoe. Shadow was not amused. Cream snatched Cheese back.

"Sorry." she said sheepishly.

"Get that thing out of my sight before I shoot Amy!" Shadow ordered pointing his gun at Amy who had just walked into the room. She looked as confused and useless as usual. Cream nodded and left. Shadow watched them leave. When they were gone, he looked at Amy, smiled evilly, and slowly walked over to her. "Hey, Rose...You ever sucked a bullet?" he asked lifting his pistol.

* * *

><p>Big the Cat was in his room on his bed with Froggy beside him. Big was currently trying to figure out how to tie his sandals.<p>

"I know I can figure it out somehow." He declared with a look of determination. Froggy shook his head.

"Big, those are sandals you obese ignoramus. You can't tie them." Froggy informed. Big shook his head.

"You're just saying that because you can't wear shoes. Silly Froggy, shoes are for cats!" Big declared as he got back to it. Froggy face palmed. All the people in the world and that retard was the only one who could understand him.

"Cats, scratch that, all animals aren't even supposed to be able to wear articles of clothing such as footwear." Froggy said.

"You have to use your...IMAGINATION!" Big said as he moved his hands in an arch, causing a rainbow to appear. Froggy was considering explaining to big that what he had just done made him look homo, but decided against it.

* * *

><p>Silver the hedgehog was walking down the hall at an angry and quick pace. He was followed by a desperate looking Blaze the Cat.<p>

"Silver, I'm so sorry!" Blaze said. Silver didn't look at her.

"Save it." He said sternly as he kept walking.

"I didn't mean to do what I did." Blaze wailed.

"That's nice." Silver said sarcastically as he kept walking. Blaze jumped in front of him.

"But you have to understand, I was PMSing!" she said. Silver turned to her.

"I don't give a fuck! You do not claw at my face, randomly scream at me at dinner, set my fucking seat on fire, smash a plate of food in my face, kick me in the nuts, spill scorching hot water on me, and push me down the stairs, then come give me a hug and when I push you off, BITE MY FUCKING EAR OFF! I HAD TO SOW THAT SHIT BACK ON!" Silver yelled.

"I'm sorry! Rouge sold me some bad catnip." Blaze explained. Silver would've taken the time to tell her that she just changed her excuses but decided not to be bothered with.

"GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!" he ordered. Blaze began to cry and ran off in some random direction. Silver then turned and saw Tails giving him a weird look. "AND WHAT THE FUCK YOU LOOKING AT?" Silver yelled. Tails ran away. Silver began to stomp away. He didn't see Espio behind him as he was invisible at the time. Espio chuckled darkly to himself.

"Good...Good...Let the hate flow through you." Espio said darkly.

* * *

><p><em>Now time for Awkward Questions with Tails.<em>

Tails had walking into the main room and saw Sonic reading a book. Earlier, he had to preform surgery on the blue hedgehog to get his neck right. It was a success. Tails timidly walked over to Sonic. The blue dude noticed and smiled.

"It's okay, Tails. I'm not mad anymore." Sonic assured. Tails ran over and sat on his lap.

"Sonic...can I ask you something?"

"Of course little bro. Fire away." Sonic replied with a smile. Tails looked in his eye and spoke...

"Can I be your slave?" The smile on Sonic's face fell off faster than he could run.

"...What?"

"Can I be-"

"Don't repeat it!" Sonic said pushing Tails off of him.

"I'm sorry its just, I need protection, and not the cheep, breakable kind condoms offer!" Sonic gave Tails a solid WTF look.

"Protection from what?" Sonic asked.

"Shadow! He wants to rape me!" Tails cried. Sonic's eyes darkened.

"...Not if I rape you first..." he muttered.

"What?" Tails said wide-eyed.

"Nothing!" Sonic said. Tails suddenly felt very uncomfortable and began to back away slowly. Sonic let out a sad sigh. He turned his head and noticed Vector by the front window, pacing quickly while look out of the window. "Vector what's wrong?" Sonic asked. The croc turned to him with an ear to ear grin that was freaking Sonic right the fuck out!

"I just smoked a whole bunch of crack!" he declared.

* * *

><p><strong>Review!<strong>


	2. SCRAMBLED!

_**How do you like your eggs? Scrambled!**_

It was a glorious morning in Sonic Heroes HQ. Sonic was in the kitchen doing something no one thought was even possible, he was cooking...something _other _than Chilidogs. The smell of food filled the senses of everyone's favorite two-tailed fox as he entered the kitchen. Tails had turned to see Sonic wearing a pair of white oven mits and an a pink apron with the words 'You just can't beat my meat!' on it. Tails raised an eyebrow at the scene before him as he walked to the dinning table.

"Heya little bro, you sleep good?" Sonic asked cheerfully.

"Sonic...are you cooking?" Tails asked completely ignoring the question. The blue hedgehog nodded.

"Yep, but that's irrelevant. Did you sleep good?" Sonic repeated.

"Not really." Tails answered solemnly. Sonic suddenly looked worried.

"Why not?"

"Well, I couldn't sleep. I kept hearing noises outside of my room, so it was kinda hard to sleep. It actually scared me a little." the fox answered. Suddenly Sonic began to sweat buckets.

"Oh yeah? What um, noises did you, uh, hear?" he asked nervously.

"I heard footsteps right outside of my door, sounded like more than one person. Then, I heard the sound of a door closing, followed by the sound of...well it can only be described by the sound of wrestling. Ya know, loud bumping noises accompanied by the sound of someone hitting the bed." the fox explained.

"R-really now?" Sonic gulped.

"Yeah, but that's not even the weirdest part!" Tails exclaimed.

"It isn't?" the fox shook his head.

"No, I also heard voices! Moaning and wailing, and at one point I could've sworn I head someone yell 'Oh god, harder!'. It was really strange." Tails explained. At the time Knuckles, who had been eavesdropping, suddenly walked into the kitchen.

"You know what that sounds like to me? Sound like-" the echidna was cut off by Sonic.

"-Like we have ghost!"

"Ghost?" Tails yelled frightened. Then a distinct yellowish liquid began to slide down his leg onto the tile floor. Sonic and Knuckles decided to ignore Tails pissing himself.

"Yeah! Why don't you go to your lab and...do whatever you do and think of a plan to um get rid of them?" Sonic offered. Tails nodded and ran out of the kitchen, a yellow trail following him on the way out. When the coast was clear, Knuckles decided to speak.

"You got laid last night, didn't you?" he asked. Sonic nodded.

"Yeah, some random chick I picked up. I was so wasted last night, I couldn't correctly tell what species she was. I just know that she was a mammal!" Sonic answered. "Last night was kinda a blur though." Sonic added.

* * *

><p><strong>Last night! The Crazy Rings Club.<strong>

The music of the club was bumping to 'House Music', a song by Benny Benasi. Sonic had stumbled out of the club with a bottle of Dos Equis in his hand. He got drunk of it in three sips and decided to walk home. He didn't want to run and get arrested by the police for DUI. He of course was way too hammered to realize the mistake in his logic. Walking down the street he saw a white cat with blue eyes sitting against the wall minding her own business. Sonic had noticed that she seemed to be one of the very few female Mobians who wore little clothing.(Because the last female Mobian to wear little clothing was considered a slut) She wore a simple red jacket that stopped at her waist. Sonic decided to make his move. He walked, well skipped like a sissy girl, over to her.

"Hey babe, its S to the O, N, C. How's about you come to my place so me and you can...have fun?" Sonic asked. The cat would've taken the time to tell him that he spelled his own name wrong, but she realized he was drunk and chose not to.

"Why?" she asked. Sonic smiled.

"Well, I was going to tell you a joke about my dick, but forget it, it's too long." Sonic began to chuckle at his joke, while the cat rolled her eyes.

"Really now. Maybe I can tell you a joke about my pussy. Wait, never mind, you'll never get it." She responded. Sonic suddenly reached out and grabbed her wrist.

"What's make you think I won't?" Sound asked evilly. The cat gave Sonic an 'excuse me' look.

"Do you know who I am? I'm-" _**Bitch slap!**_

"The Rock doesn't care what your name is!" Sonic then lifted her and ran in the direction of Sonic Heroes HQ despite her flailing. It was rape plain and simple. When he reached the home, Sonic had walked her up to his room. She decided to somewhat cooperate. Sonic tried to be quiet, kinda. When he got into his room, he threw her on his bed.

"Why are you doing this?" she asked. Sonic gave a creepy as fuck, ear to ear grin.

"Because...I've got bluuuuuuueeeee baaaaaaalllllssssssss!" and then he attacked.

* * *

><p><strong>Present.<strong>

"Whatever happened is a mystery though." Sonic muttered. Knuckles shrugged. He then noticed what Sonic was wearing and got curious.

"Whatcha cookin'?" he asked. Sonic smiled.

"Eggs! Want me to make you a plate?" Sonic asked enthusiastically.

"Sure." Knuckles accepted. He then walked to the table and decided to chill. After a few minutes, Sonic turned back to his red friend.

"So, Knux...how do you like your eggs?"

"SCRAMBLED!" Knuckles suddenly yelled throwing his plate at Sonic was sudden knocked unconscious. Knuckles smiled. "That's for that yesterday!" and with that, the red-head was off. Shadow had walked in the kitchen as he was passing by when he suddenly slipped and fell on his head in some wet substance.

"Who the fuck spilled juice on the floor?...And why doesn't it smell like juice?"

* * *

><p>Tails was in his lab, trying to figure out a way to get rid of the ghost Sonic had lied to him about. He was so into his work that when his emergency alarm went off, it scared him out of his chair.<p>

"**Hey dipshit, trouble!, Hey dipshit, trouble!**" the computer screen sounded. Tails stood up and rubbed his head.

"Hey...who changed my alarm? Bet it was Sonic." Tails said to himself. He shut the alarm off and sighed. "Better get the rest of the guys..."

* * *

><p>Tails had gathered a few senior members of the Sonic Heroes and explained to them that Eggman was attacking again with some illogical plan that, as Eggman quotes: "Can't possibly fail." Sonic and the gang had sprung into action, however, by some miracle, Eggman had managed to trap them. So now they were in a lab ready to be tortured to death...or worse, as Eggman warned.<p>

"Ohohohohoho! Well now, Sonic Heroes. It seems that I've finally got you right where I want you." Eggman said looking at the subdued heroes strapped to a wall: Sonic, Shadow, Tails, Knuckles, Rouge, and Amy.

"Yeah, how long until we're not?" Rouge whispered to Amy, who only giggled in response.

"You'll never keep us here Egghead! You know why?" Sonic asked, cockily.

"Oh god, no..." Shadow whispered.

"Here it comes..." Tails sighed out.

"Why?" Eggman asked.

"Because..." Sonic began in a low and dark voice."WE'RE SONIC HEROES!" Sonic cheered out earn groans from everyone around him. Eggman only stared at him in astonishment. Then he quickly turned to one of his eggpawns.

"Is that true? Could that be the secrets to their constant victory? Confirm this now!" Eggman demanded. The robot only stared back at him.

"But, sir...what he said is just-"

"Check the damn facts!" Eggman ordered again. The robot ran off to do as told. Tails just shook his head. This was his rival after all.

"Hey, Eggman! It says gullible on the ceiling." Sonic called out. Eggman looked up.

"Really? Where? I can't see it!" Eggman said. Tails just stared wide-eyed.

"You have got to be fucking kidding me! I.Q. of 300 hundred my ass!" Tails hissed. Sonic took Eggman's stupidity as an opportunity. He got an idea that made so little since that it just had too work.

"Knuckles...how do you like your eggs?" Sonic asked. Knuckles' pupils shrank and he looked spaced out for a second. Then suddenly...

"SCRAMBLED!" he yelled as he tore his binding from the wall and pulled out a random food dish and tossed it at Eggman, who was preoccupied.

"I still don't see-ACK!" he got his in his non-existent neck and passed out. Knuckles freed his friends, except Amy, and they escaped. The group was running on a dirt trail when Shadow spoke.

"Uh, Sonic...I think we forgot someone." Shadow informed.

"I didn't forget Amy." Sonic reassured. Shadow shook his head.

"I meant Eggman you silly goose." Shadow said in a creepy dreamy voice, while smiling. Sonic then smiled too and face palmed.

"Oh my bad! I always make mistakes thanks, Shadow. I love you!" Sonic said in the same creepy voice.

"I love you, too" Shadow responded. He and Sonic then started getting closer, as if they were about to kiss. Their lips were getting closer together.

"This is way past fucked up." Knuckles whispered. They were holding each other. So close, then suddenly...

"PSYCH! Like I'd kiss Shadow." Sonic said pushing him away and laughing. Shadow also began chuckling, darkly.

"Yeah, who knows where faker's lips been." Shadow joked.

"As if I'd been in more yaoi." Sonic said.

"Wow...Those yaoi fangirls must be disappointed." Knuckles said.

"Yeah," Tails agreed. "That ought to be a bigger let down than Silver's voice."

* * *

><p>Suddenly, miles away, Silver looks up from his waffles and looks around nervously.<p>

"I-I since a disturbance in the force." he muttered.

"Ignore it." Espio advised in a dark tone.

* * *

><p>The group had returned to base, but much to their dismay, Amy was there to great them.<p>

"Hi guys!" she greeted happily. The group began to groan at her in anger and annoyance.

"Oh Great!"

"How'd you get here?"

"Who do I have to kill for you to stay dead around here?"

"Aw man!"

"You've gotta be kidding me!"

"Why are you alive?"

* * *

><p><em>Now time for Awkward Questions with Tails!<em>

Tails had walked over to Sonic who was sitting in a chair, kicked back and relaxed. Sonic saw him walk in and smiled.

"Hey, Tails. What's up?" Sonic greeted.

"Nothing much. Hey, Sonic, can I ask you something?" Tails asked nervously.

"As long as it's not anything like the last thing you asked me, sure." Sonic said giving the fox his full attention. Tails walked closer to him and sat on his lap. The fox looked Sonic in the eye.

"Sonic...how do you like me...scrambled or raw?" Tails asked.

"Get the fuck out..."

* * *

><p><strong>Review<strong>


	3. Tails' Inventions Part 1: I See You

_**Tails' Inventions Part 1: I See You**_

The gang, consisting of Sonic, Shadow, Silver, Tails, and Knuckles, were outside in the backyard of the Sonic Heroes H.Q. Tails had gathered the group so he could show off another one of his useless invention. Sitting on a table was a pair of goggles with blue lenses, silver frame, and a black strap. It was really expensive looking.

"Tails, is this another one of your useless inventions?" Sonic asked, skeptically. Tails frowned at him.

"No way! These are my X-Specs. These allow you to see through walls...and stuff," the fox explained.

"And stuff? Wow, that's a really thought out explanation, eh Prower?" Shadow taunted.

"Hey, knock it off Shadow! He's trying to impress us. You don't have to be mean!" Silver defended. Shadow turned to the other hedgehog, an enraged fire in his eyes.

"Did you just yell at me?" Shadow asked, reaching for his pistol slowly. Silver's eyes widened.

"N-No. I was just trying to defend Tails," Silver argued. Shadow's eyes widened with anger.

"Did you just argue with me?" Shadow demanded lifting his pistol to Silver's face.

"No!"

"Did you just lie to me?" Shadow yelled, pulling the hammer back on his pistol. Silver was sweating bullets now...bad choice of wording.

"Please don't kill me!" the hedgehog begged!

"Did you just beg me for something? Oh, you really want to get it, don't you?" Shadow asked.

"S-Shadow, I-I'm s-sorry!" Silver apologized.

"Did you stutter, in my presence?" Shadow asked, his trigger finger twitching. Sonic and Knuckles both shook their heads.

"Poor Silver, doesn't he know there's no way out of getting shot by Shadow?" Knuckles asked.

"Maybe for you because, YOU'RE TOO SLOW! But I'd never get shot," Sonic said cockily. Knuckles ignored Sonic's comment and picked his nose...somehow.

"Still, should we help him?" the echidna asked. Sonic was already on it.

"Shadow, wait! Don't kill Silver! There's a kitten stuck in a tree who'd much rather get shot down somewhere in Central Park!" Sonic informed. Shadow looked at the hedgehog.

"Did you just interrupt m- Wait, did you say someone want's to get shot?" Shadow asked in excitement and shock. Sonic nodded. "Chaos Control!" And the black hedgehog was gone.

* * *

><p><strong>Somewhere in Central Park, Station Square<strong>

"Um, Froggy, how do I get down?" Big the Cat asked, looking down at the sidewalk below him, 7 feet below him to be exact. The frog on his shoulder had an immensely annoyed look on his face.

"I don't know, Big, why not try jumping down and landing on the sidewalk? I mean, you have fallen from heights much greater than this tree," Froggy informed. Big was stuck in a tree. One that was leaning over, ready to break in two, due to Big's weight. It was a miracle, if you can call it that, the branch he was sitting on didn't break yet.

"Nuh uh uhhhh. You know cats can't just jump from any ole tree, Froggy. It would be dangerous?" Big replied.

"But you've fallen from atop a 4 story building and landed on your feet before! Surely, you can jump from this branch which is no more than 7 feet high! You've even fallen from the sky and came out safely!" Froggy explained, all in vain.

"But it wasn't a tree," Big informed. Froggy face palmed.

"I give up," he whispered. Suddenly they heard the sound of clicking behind them. They turned to see Shadow standing in a tree near them.

"Perhaps I could be of some assistance?" Shadow asked evilly. Froggy's eyes widen.

"Big, get out of here! It's Shadow!" he warned. However, Big's stupidity prevented him from see the danger before him.

"No, Froggy. He's gonna help," Big told the frog.

"For Chaos' Sake man! RUN!" Froggy ordered.

"I'm not a man, silly. I'm a cat!" **BANG!  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Back with Tails and the Gang<strong>

"And that's how I spent my last Saturday with the Master Emerald," Knuckles finished. He told them an enriched tale of his Saturday Adventure with the M.E...or so he thought. "Did you like my story?" he asked, a hopeful look in his eyes. Everyone else was just giving him a WTF look.

"What story? After Shadow left, you just spaced out for several seconds with this dumb look on your face and just randomly shouted, 'And that's how I spent my last Saturday with the Master Emerald'." Sonic explained.

"You mean, I didn't tell my story?" Knuckles asked, completely and utterly shocked. Everyone shook their heads.

"What can you do with a big rock anyway?" Silver asked. Knuckles smiled.

"A lot of things. For one, we always play cards in our free time. Sometimes we go to the coast and take long walks on the beach, or we might find some nice cave or something. We even get to play video games together," the echidna explained.

"And...how do you do all that?" Sonic wondered. Knuckles' eyes had narrowed.

"...Don't worry about," he whispered. The same thought had went through everyone else's head, and Sonic was the only one brave enough to voice their thoughts.

"...Man, you lonely as fuck!" the blue hedgehog taunted. Knuckles ignored him. Suddenly, there was a bright flash of light. Standing where it came from was Shadow.

"Alright, bitches, I'm back and black. So, get on with your invention display, Tiles." Shadow ordered.

"It-it's Tails..." the fox corrected. Shadow looked at him from his peripheral vision and pulled out his pistol.

"Did you just correct m-"

"Yes, I did! And you're not gonna do anything about it! You're too much of a pussy of a punk ass motherfucking bitch! You ultimate piece of shit! Now shut it, before I go G.U.N. vs. Maria on your bitch ass and kill a bitch!" Tails ranted. All was silent. Shadow's eyes widened, then fell to his feet, in shame and defeat. Silver looked at Tails and whispered, "Thank you." Tails nodded. "Any questions?" Sonic raised him hand. "Yes, Sonic?" Tails asked.

"Did you grow a pair over night?" Sonic asked. Tails ignored him.

"Anyway, these are my X-Specs. As their name implies, they are goggles with x-ray vision!" Tails explained, excitedly. "You can pretty much see through anything and everything. There are certain levels for vision for how far into something the goggles see through."

"And why did you invent those?" Sonic asked.

"I was bored and thought it would be cool to see through walls...among other things," Tails answered quietly.

"I get the feeling you just wanted to be perverted," Sonic said. The fox shook his head.

"I just got bored. Now, would anyone like to try them?" Tails asked, looking around. Silver raised his hand. "Good!" Tails handed the X-Specs to the hedgehog who wore them with pride. "Now, just push the little button on your left temple," Tails instructed.

"Like this?" Silver asked as he did as so. Suddenly, everything went black for the hedgehog. Then, his vision came back and everything just in front of him looked transparent.

"Did they work?" Knuckles asked. Silver smiled as he looked around. He could see what was behind his friends. He looked at their home and could see into the building. He could see Blaze playing Rouge in a game of cards. He also spied the Chaotix watching TV together.

"Yeah, they work great!" Silver exclaimed. Tails shed a tear, proud of his work.

"Excellent!" the fox cheered.

"Hey, what does this little wheel do, Tails?" Silver asked. Said fox noticed Silver's hand on the black wheel on the right side of the goggles.

"Oh that? That increases the power so you can see through more than whats in front of you," Tails explained. Silver nodded and began turning the wheel. "Just be careful," Tails warned. Silver didn't listen. He was too intrigued by the goggles. It was amazing, because he never had these in his future, for obvious reasons. As he increased the power of the X-Specs, his line of sight extended through the inner walls on the Sonic Heroes HQ building. Looking deeper, he saw Cream and Cheese in their room writing something down with an evil look on her face. _"Weird...," _Silver thought to himself. Sonic noticed his facial expression and got curious.

"What do you see?" he asked. Silver shook his head.

"Nothing important. Just everyone doing the usu-" Silver trailed off as he saw what Amy was doing with her Piko Piko Hammer. "Oh my...It's just...going in and out...," he breathed out.

"What are you talking about?" Shadow asked.

"Nothing...that just looks painful...At least I know where she keeps her hammer," Silver said, mostly to himself. Sonic heard this and raise an eyebrow.

"Are you looking at Amy?" he asked. Silver nodded. "That explains it...," Sonic whispered. He shivered as he knew exactly what Silver was looking at.

"I wonder how much power these things have?" Silver pondered out loud as he began increasing the power in the X-Specs.

"Silver don't-" Tails tried to warn, but it was too late. The X-Specs began glowing brightly.

"Guys, I can see through our house! In fact, I can see the through the entire city!" Silver yelled out in excitement, just before the goggles exploded on his face. When the dust cleared, Silver was laid out on the ground unconscious. It was silent until Shadow began laughing hysterically. He laughed for a few minutes before suddenly stopping with his usual scowl on his face.

"That was funny. Other people's pain makes me laugh." Shadow said in a monotone voice. Shadow had turned to leave, but Tails halted him.

"Don't go just yet! I've got another great invention I want you guys to see. This one works perfectly!" Tails explained. He walked over to large trunk that was laying on the ground that Sonic could swear to Chaos wasn't there before. "This guy's really cool. I think you'll like him," Tails said hopefully. He opened the trunk and began configuring something inside of it. Suddenly, the sound of a machine being turned on was heard. The others back away in somewhat fear. Something had risen out of the trunk and began flying around the group before landing on a table in front of Sonic.

"Hi, I'm Omochao. I'm here to help you!"

* * *

><p><em>Now time for Awkward Questions with Tails!<em>

The group was still in the backyard when Tails had grabbed Sonic and led him into the backdoor of the house. "Hey, Sonic can I ask you something?" the fox asked, giving Sonic the puppy eyes face. Sonic looked at Tails, not the least bit amused. He let out a sigh.

"Yeah, what do you want?" Sonic asked, mentally preparing himself for whatever Tails was about to say.

"What does your feet look like?" Tails asked. Sonic looked at his shoes. He had never taken off his shoes in front of anyone before, but Tails was his younger brother, so he was an exception. To answer Tails' questions, Sonic removed his sneakers. He then took off his socks. Tails saw the Sonic's two feet...had to be the most sexiest things he had ever seen in his life.

"Happy?" Sonic asked. Tails was drooling with wide eyes.

"Can I...can I suck your toe?"

"What?"

"Can I suck your toe, please?" Tails begged. Sonic only stared at him before a stoic look came onto his face.

"...Not likely...," he answered.

* * *

><p><strong>Happy Thanksgiving! <strong>


	4. TI Part 2: Putting the ASS in Assistant!

**_Tails' Inventions Part 2: Putting the ASS in Assistant_**

"Hi, I'm Omochao, and I'm here to help you!" It was a small mechanical chao that had about the creepiest little eyes and a rapist smile like no other. It continued to stare at the gang as if wait for their reply.

"The fuck is that?" Shadow had asked. Silver has cowering behind him while Sonic and Knuckles had both taken defensive fighting positions ready to kill it.

"Relax, guys. His name is Omochao an-" Tails was interrupted.

"And I'm here to help you with all of your daily task and chores," it exclaimed. Silver came from behind Shadow to get a better look at it.

"I guess that's cool," Silver stated, getting closer to the toy. Silver got closer to Omochao. At first, the little toy was just staring in Sonic's direction, but then had creepily turned it's body toward Silver; its feet had moved as if it was walking forward, but its body had only turned. Silver stared into its yellow eyes. They looked...empty to him. Silver couldn't help but feel as if the thing was looking at him with some kind of feeling.

"Are you gonna kiss it?" Shadow asked. Silver waved him off and back away.

"So, what can it do exactly. I mean, how can it help us do anything?" Knuckles asked. Tails smiled.

"Well, it can-"

"I know everything! I can give you advice whenever you need it most!" Omochao answered, cutting Tails off again. Sonic smiled.

"Well, I guess that's cool...but can you prove it?" Sonic asked, a smirk on his face complimenting his raised eyebrow. Shadow seemed interested in this question himself.

"Yeah, can you give me advice on fixing my Dark Rider? I think something's wrong with the ignition an-" Shadow was cut off.

"Have you tried using the correct key?" Omochao asked. Shadow snorted.

"Of course I have!"

"Are you sure? Are you sure you haven't been trying to turn on your bike in the dark and is just putting any key you can find into the ignition?" Omochao asked, almost sounding as if he already knew the answer. Shadow stared back at the little creature with fiery red eyes. Then those red eyes widened with realization.

"It all make since now!" Shadow cried, before running off, but not before thanking Omochao. Sonic shook his head.

"It's like I'm the only one who's not an idiot in this fic," Sonic said.

"This...what?" Knuckles asked.

"Nothing."

Silver stepped up to Omochao. "Well, I'm having problems and I need advice I-"

"Try straining your vocal cords and you'll sound a lot manlier," Omochao advised.

"What? No, I need help with-"

"Change you're hairstyle so it won't look like a pot leaf and maybe people won't take you as a joke," Omochao instructed, once again interrupting Silver. Silver began getting upset with the mechanical chao.

"No, it's about my friend. She's-"

"Look, I know you're lonely and don't have real friends, but I can help you. If that imaginary friend of your's has stopped talking to you, then that means you're growing up and have decided to accept reality," Omochao said. Silver fumed.

"I give up!" He yelled and stormed away. Sonic and Knuckles were both trying to hold in their laughter.

"Well, Tails, I gotta hand it to ya, this is one great invention of your's. C'mon, Knuckles let's show everyone else," Sonic offered. Knuckles nodded as he picked up Omochao; however, as he did this, Tails' eyes had widened. It was a big mistake.

"PUT ME DOWN YOU BIG RED BRAINLESS FUCK!" The tiny robot cried in distress. Knuckle stared at it in shock.

"What the-"

"DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME? HEY, DUMBASS, I'M TALKING TO YOU! LET ME GO! LET ME GO! LET ME GO! IF YOU DON'T LET ME GO NOW, I'M GONNA CUT YOU'RE DICK OFF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS, **_SO YOU CAN FUCK YOURSELF!_**" Knuckles quickly dropped Omochao backing away quickly. Sonic looked as if he'd just seen a ghost. Tails was speechless. "Ah...Thank you for holding me, but you were kind of rough," Omochao said. With that it flew away. Team Sonic watch the little toy fly through the backdoor of their home. Sonic then turned to Tails.

"What the fuck was that?" He asked pointing in the direction he flew off in. Tails put his hands up defensively.

"I swear I didn't know that was gonna happen. I knew he'd react negatively, but I didn't expect that! He doesn't like to be held," Tails explained.

"He reacted...almost violently," Knuckles said. The toy shook him up a bit, but he was fine now.

"We have to warn the others not to hold it," Tails informed.

"Yeah, well, except Amy," Sonic said.

* * *

><p>Omochao was merrily floating into the kitchen of Sonic Heroes HQ, when he saw Vector sulking in the kitchen. Omochao decided that Vector would be his first victim...of friendship.<p>

"Hi, I'm Omochao, I'm here to help you!" A loud and annoying voice squeaked. Vector jumped from the sudden noise and looked around until his eyes landed on Omochao.

"What the-? Who or what are you s'posed to be?" Vector asked.

"I'm a robot servant created by my master Tails in the image of a chao. Pretty cool, huh?"

"Amazing," Vector responded in voice full of sarcasm.

"Hey now, just because you're having girl problems doesn't mean you need to act all moody."

"How...did you know I was having girl problems?" Vector asked, dumbfounded.

"The sulking, the crying, the sadness, the dying...rose on the floor."

"Why couldn't that rose be Amy?" Vector asked silently.

"And then there's the fact that you're surrounded by used Kleenexes that are stained with something _other _than tears." Omochao explained.

"Oh, well you see, it's this girl, a rabbit, I''ve got it bad for her, but she has no idea. I don't want to come on too strong, but when I come on too weak, she doesn't notice, man," Vector explained.

"This girl...she wouldn't happen to be that milf of a rabbit Vanilla would she?" Omo asked. Vector's eyes widened.

"How did you-"

"I know everything. _**Everything~**_," Omo said in a creepy voice with glowing eyes. Suddenly, he turned his head and glared at Charmy who was grabbing a slice of cheese out of the refrigerator. "Get out!" Charmy squealed and buzzed off. Omochao then turned back to the croc. "I would like to help you hook up with her," Omochao declared.

"How can you help me?"

"Simple! I help people by giving them advice that makes their lives a little bit easier. I help the player learn the game and how to progress it," Omo explained.

"The fuck are you talkin' 'bout?"

"Don't worry about. C'mon, let's go get that rabbit and make you a little bit cooler!" With that, Omochao floated out of the Kitchen with Vector following close behind.

"Why would I need to be any cooler? I'm a DJ, I've got a gold chain around my neck and I'm always listening to headphones," Vector explained.

"Because difference between your first game and your second is almost a decade long. Everyone thought your were a new character in Sonic Heroes," Omo explained.

"What the hell are you...You know what? Never mind." The duo left the kitchen.

* * *

><p>Are you sure this is gonna work?" Vector asked.<p>

"I'm as sure as it takes 8 minutes and 20 seconds for light to travel to the earth from the sun," Omochao replied.

"What are you talkin' about?"

"What are you talkin' about," Omochao shot back. There was an awkward silence.

"Um, okay. So I just go in, say the lines, give her the present, and she'll fall for me,"Vector asked.

"Dude, she'll fall faster than Sonic did after Sonic 06," Omo assured.

* * *

><p>Faraway, in the Sonic Heroes base, Sonic was playing Shadow in a game of checkers when something suddenly went wrong; Sonic made a sick face and had a muscle spasm in his right arm, which happened to be the one he was holding a red piece in it. Sonic's arm awkwardly shot toward the board, knocking off Shadow's black pieces in a zigzag motion. Shadow was not amused as he was winning. He flipped the board into Sonic's face and walked off in anger leaving Sonic with a "Fuck you".<p>

* * *

><p>Vector nervously walked up to Vanilla's house. He honestly didn't feel as though the pick-up lines he received would help much. However, if this Omochao was legit, and he did seem legit, Vector would have to just trust him. Omochao went to observe from the window. Vector let out a sigh and knocked. Seconds later, Cream answered the door. Upon seeing Vector, Cream stepped to the side to allow the crocodile entrance.<p>

"Mom! It's Vector!" Vector heard footsteps coming from kitchen. _"Ah the kitchen, it's where all women belong." _Omo thought to himself. The elder rabbit came from the kitchen with yellow wet rubber gloves, obviously from washing dishes. When she saw Vector, Vanilla smiled pleasantly.

"Oh hello, Detective Vector. What brings you here," Vanilla asked pleasantly.

"Just Vector will be fine, thank you. I was in the neighborhood and just wanted to stop by for a quick chat. Are you busy?" Vanilla shook her head, pleasantly of course.

"I've just finished with the dishes so I'm free to chat. I'll get us a cup of tea." With that Vanilla got up and pleasantly walked into the kitchen. Vector took that small opportunity to look at her butt. At least he would've, but the moment he turned to look, Cream stomped on his foot. Vector nearly let out a yelp, but quickly bit it back and glared at Cream, who was crossing her arms with a serious look.

"What was that fo-"

"I know what you're up to," Cream declared. Vector looked shocked.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You were just in the neighborhood? Yeah, right! You walked straight here!" Cream hissed. Vector rolled his eyes.

"So what? You know how uncool it would look to just come over here for no reason? I had to come up with an excuse," the crocodile responded. Cream disregarded his words.

"Look, Vector, I like you as a close personal friend. Heck, I'll go the extra mile and even say that I love you, but the last thing I want is a crocodile for a step-dad," Cream explained.

"What do you have against crocodiles?"

"If this was anything like the real world, you would've eaten me by now," Cream hissed, pointing an accusing finger at Vector. Vector quickly clamped a hand over her mouth.

"Cream, no! Don't break..._that _wall," Vector warned. Cream forced his hand from over her mouth.

"Look, point is, stop it. We aren't even the same animal class. I'm a mammal and you're a reptile. If you were to date my mom, it wouldn't make any sense," Cream explained.

"Ya know what doesn't make any sense; what is taking your mom so long," Vector asked looking at the kitchen. Cream snapped at the croc to grab his attention.

"I'm gonna stay in this living room just to get in the way and there's nothing you can do to stop me," Cream declared. He smiled victoriously. Omochao, whom was watching the whole conversation from the window quickly sprung into action. He flew into the living room and began flying around in front of Cream.

"Hi, I'm Omochao and I'm here to help you!" Cream looked at for a few seconds before her child instincts kicked in. She began chasing it.

"I WANT IT!" Omochao flew out of the window quickly with Cream just behind, leaving a trail of drool behind. A few seconds had passed when Vanilla had pleasantly poked her pleasant head into the room, pleasantly looking to see if the coast was pleasantly clear.

"Is she gone?" Vector nodded with a slightly worried look on his face. "Good." Vanilla pleasantly let out a sigh and walked in with two cups of tea. She set on a coffee table near the couch Vector was sitting on. Vector took a cup and took a curt sip. It had a citrus taste to it. Vector liked it. "Is it good," Vanilla asked.

"Best tea I've ever had," Vector declared. Vanilla pleasantly smiled.

"Good to hear it." The two grown ups had engaged into a small talk. Vector was beating around the bush. He was take too long to use the 'super special lines' Omo had come up with and the little toy had showed up by the window again to watch the fireworks. Omo had gotten tired of Vector talking about irrelevant topics such as the weather and corny jokes and decided to get the croc's attention. Picking up a pebble, the little toy had tossed it at Vector, striking the him on the left side of his snort. Vector glanced at the window and saw Omochao waving at him, trying to get his attention.

"Excuse me for a moment," Vector said. Vanilla nodded...pleasantly of course. Vector walked over to the window to converse with Omo. "What," he asked.

"Dude, get on with it. I would like to move onto my next friend sometime before my next battery change."

"What happened to Cream," Vector asked.

"Taken care of."

* * *

><p><strong><em>Station Square Zoo<em>**

"Aw! Look at it! It's so cute," the people called from beyond Cream's cage. She was sitting with her arms crossed with a frown on her face. _"How the hell did I get into this?" _"Oo! I think she looked over here!" Some bratty teenage boy was poking her with a metal rod repeatedly, jabbing her in her right cheek. Cream didn't even look at them.

"Do it again," one of his friends called. And so he did, only harder. Cream decided she had enough. Cream caught the metal rod, bent it until the tip snapped, and began chewing on it. Then she spit the chewed bits of metal at the boys face, making him run off in fear. The crowd grew silent for a moment...before cheering and clapping. Shadow, who was for some reason or another was even clapping before something occurred to him.

"What am I even doing at a Zoo? I should go to a prison so I can see humans behind bars!" With that the black hedgehog teleported away.

* * *

><p>"Say the lines!"<p>

"But-"

"Now!" Vector huffed. He walked over to Vanilla who was pleasantly waiting for him.

"Everything alright," she asked. Vector nodded. He sank back against her couch and began to enjoy himself. He let out the breath of courage.

"So...Vanilla...If I flip a coin, what are the chances of me getting head," Vector asked. Vanilla smiled.

"50-50," she answered. Vector almost choked on his tea.

"Really?"

"Yes, a coin only has two sides and heads is one of them. When determining the probability of something two sided, it will always be 50-50," Vanilla pleasantly explained. Vector mentally face palmed. She didn't get the joke at all.

"Thanks...So...Didja know I was an astronaut?"

"Really?"

"Yep, and my next mission is to explore Uranus," Vector said, cracking a grin.

"Oh my, that sounds wonderful. I wish you good luck on your journey."

"No, I...I was just kidding."

"Oh...that's too bad." Vector only stared at Vanilla. "What?"

"Nothing...I just want you to know that...I would be honored if I could park my beef bus in tuna town."

"Excuse me?"

"Uh...nothing...," Vector chuckled out. He was getting nervous. He looked out to the window and saw Omochao nodding him on. "Hey Vanilla, you wanna know what I wish?"

"Sure."

"I wish that I was a burger so I could get into those buns," Vector said. Vanilla only blinked innocently...and pleasantly of course.

"What buns...," she asked, utterly clueless.

"Vanilla...Just like a tootsie roll pop, I'd liked to find out how many licks it takes to get to your center." That one caught on. Vector could tell because Vanilla gave him an 'are-you-serious' look. Vector didn't stop, however. He was continuing strong! "If I was a skateboard I would grind you all night."

"Enough," Vanilla sudden, but pleasantly, shouted. "I'm not listening to another one of your pervy pick-up lines. Do you just want you do it?"

"Oh jeez, I'm sorry, I just-wait...are you serious?" Vanilla shrugged pleasantly.

"I'm not gonna lie...those lines kinda turned me on." Vector only stared, mouth agape.

"Can you give me just a second?" Vector didn't wait for an answer. He ran to the window, to Omochao.

"So did I tell ya, or did I tell ya," Omochao asked. Vector high-fived the little guy.

"Thanks a lot man! I'm about to get laid. Ya know, I was skeptical at first, but you were really there for me. Thanks," Vector said with an easy smile. Omo only nodded.

"It's nothing, bro! Just my job! Remember, I'm here to help you! And that's what I did; I help you! Now go get some tail!" Vector nodded.

"Thanks again, man! Aw yeah, this is gonna be so sweet!" Vector was truly geeked about the whole situation, but most wouldn't blame him. As Vector walked Vanilla upstairs, he gave Omo a sly thumbs up. Omo nodded to him and flew off. Vector and Vanilla had entered Vanilla's pleasant bedroom in a pleasant way. Vector took in the pleasant smell and look at the pleasant bed spread which they were about to pleasantly mess up on this pleasant Monday...pleasantly. For they were about to pleasantly make love in the most pleasant of ways to- "We get it already," Vector yelled to no one in particular, as if he could actually communicate with the author.

"C'mon Vector, let's get started," Vanilla said, beginning to undress...pleasantly.

"What did I just tell you?"

* * *

><p>Miles away, just happily floating in the sky was Omochao, off looking for the next person he was to help.<p>

"It feels good to know I've helped a guy get laid...of course...I guess I kinda forgot to mention Vanilla has gonorrhea aka 'the clap'. He-he, but ole' Vector will find out." Omo began laughing maniacally. "SAVIN' THE DAY!"

* * *

><p><em>Now time for Awkward Questions with Tails!<em>

Sonic was chilling in his favorite chair reading a magazine about chili-dogs when Tails walked in. At first, Sonic didn't care, but he noticed it was just him and Tails in the main room and immediately knew what was coming next. The hedgehog bolted to the door, but, amazingly, Tails beat him too it!

"Hey, Sonic, can I ask you something?" Dammit. Sonic was so close. As if a history of taunts had just slapped him in the face, the words, **_"You're too slow!"_**echoed in the blue blurs head.

"Sure. Fire away," Sonic asked, doing his best to look good for the fox.

"Do you plan on sexing Amy up anytime soon?" Sonic didn't miss a beat. He promptly got up and stretched.

"Well, 'bout time for me to be hittin' the ole' dusty trail." With that Sonic walked out of the room, leaving Tails alone...and apparently with Omochao who was facing the window. Tails looked at it. Omo then, creepily turned his body with any logical movement; just a forward and back shuffle of the feet and he was facing his creator.

"Okay that's creepy as fuck," Tails said. Omo then began floating towards the ceiling before disappearing in a 'pop'.

* * *

><p><strong>REVIEW! YES!<strong>


	5. Get Ready to Party!

_**Get Ready to Party!**_

Shadow the hedgehog sat up in his bed with sleepy eyes. He never understood why he would wake up feeling even more tired than when he woke up. Yawning, the black hedgehog hopped out of his black bed and shuffled towards the window. Shadow opened the curtains only to wince from the harsh sunlight that greeted him. Shadow hissed and glared at the sun; because only the Ultimate Life-Form can glare back at the sun.

"Someday...I will destroy you," Shadow vowed. He looked out of his 3rd window to see the street below. Shadow didn't sleep at the Sonic Heroes HQ. He was one of the few that had their own homes somewhere else, a fact he was proud of. The others being Cream, Rouge, Espio, Tails, Knuckles and Big. Although, Shadow never counted those last two; sure Knuckles had an island, but he didn't have a roof over his head; Big had a roof over his head but no walls...Shadow then asked himself why was he thinking of Big; hadn't he killed the cat? "I think so...maybe." Shadow shrugged as he walked over to his cell phone that was set on a dresser next to his bed. A simple touchscreen phone. Shadow saw that he had 41 missed calls and 12 messages. Shadow raised on eyebrow. "Who the fuck calling me this many times at," he began checking his digital alarm clock, "-not even 10:00?" Shadow checked the call history. He frowned at the list of who he received calls and messages from.

The list read...

**Faker - 6:35 A.M.**

**Faker - 6:39 A.M.**

**Faker - 6:44 A.M.**

**Faker - 6:50 A.M.**

**Faker - 7:10 A.M.**

**Faker - 7:15 A.M.**

**Faker - 7:22 A.M.**

**Faker - 7:30 A.M.**

****Faker - 7:33 A.M.****

****Unavailable - 7:35 A.M.****

******Faker - 7:39 A.M.******

********Faker - 7:49 A.M.********

**Slut - 8:01 A.M.**

****Faker - 8:12 A.M.****

**Rouge - 8:21 A.M.**

**Faker - 8:38 A.M.**

**Faker - 9:12 A.M.**

...And the list went on...

Shadow was disgusted.

"Why the hell is Sonic calling me so much," Shadow angrily asked himself. He took notice of the other numbers. "Why did Amy call me? Better yet, who is this 'Unavailable' number? They even left me a message." Shadow decided that Sonic could wait and checked the mystery message first. Shadow put the phone to his ear and listened closely. He heard an attempt at deep breathing. Then he heard a small voice come on. It was very soft and almost feminine in a sickly way.

_"...Hello? This is Cre- KEITH! It's Keith, I'm just your biggest fan...I got your Dark Rider with me. Come get it...so we can meet," _the voice said quietly before fading out. Shadow's eyes quickly darted to his dresser to see his keys still in place. He then check the window to see his bike still in place in the parking lot. Shadow's eyes narrowed. "I guess it's obviously a trick. I'm waaaay to badass to fall for it," Shadow said cockily.

* * *

><p>In a building across from Shadow's, a hooded figure cursed. "He didn't fall for the trick. What now?" The figure turned to their companion, another hooded figure, only small and floating in the air.<p>

"We must find a way to gain his attention," the figure said in the most sinister, evil, deep voice.

* * *

><p>"Guess I better see what Sonic wants...," Shadow said to himself before calling Sonic.<p>

* * *

><p>"Please Sonic! Let me come to the party!" Tails bugged. Sonic shook his head. He was standing in front of the stove, cooking up chili-dogs. "Oh c'mon! I'll toss your salad." Sonic gave Tails a look.<p>

"What?" Tails then suddenly pulled out a bowl of vegetables from off screen and began stirring them. "Oh..., but no. You're too young. So we'll going to hire someone to watch you at Cream's place. Sorry, bud, maybe next time."

"You said that last time," Tails accused. Sonic ruffled his head...like he always does to win an argument.

"Sorry. Besides, you'll be with Cream and Charmy. You'll be the oldest," Sonic informed. Tails's sad look changed a bit.

"I guess you're right. Thanks Sonic you're a great big brother. You know just what to-", Tails got cut off by Sonic's ringing phone. Sonic reached into his...leg...a grabbed a blue a silver phone. Tails looked confused. "You have...pockets?" Sonic ignored him.

"Hel-"

_"You've called me at least 10 times this morning. What the hell do you want, Faker,"_ Shadow's gruff voice asked over the other side.

"Guess what," Sonic said in an excited voice.

_"What?"_

"The author's birthday passed on last week, but we're going to celebrate it today! C'mon to the HQ so we can party," Sonic commanded. There was an awkward silence.

_"..."_

"Shadow?"

_"See...here's the thing? I caught the 'party' part, but who is...what did you say, the author,"_ Shadow asked.

"Ya know, Phantom," Sonic answered.

_"Who?"_

"Never mind, just come!"

_"Why should I waste the valuable time of my day that I could spend killing random people, just to party with you of all mobians?"_

"Because if you don't, I'll...I'll annoy even more than I normally do!"

_"Is that even possible,"_ Shadow asked with disbelief.

"You don't even have a chili-dog of a clue of how bad I can be," Sonic warned.

_"Still, what's stopping me from just killing you if you annoy me?"_

"..."

_"That's what I thought. Sorry, Faker, I'm not-"_

"There'll be beer."

_"I'm on my way."_

"Grrreeaat, buddy. Glad to know that yo-" ***Click*** "He-hello?" Tails was watching and listening to the conversation.

"Did he hang up," the fox asked. Sonic nodded. "Oh, that's too bad...Well, so can I come," Tails asked with hopeful eyes. Sonic then began tapping his chin as if he was thinking.

"Uh, let me think of that, what is it, it's right on the tip of my tongue, I think I wanna say NO," Sonic yelled.

"Please! I'll steam up your wiener and stick it in between mah buns!" Sonic gave the fox a "WTF" look. Tails then suddenly pulled out a hot dog and a hot dog bun. "Sorry, I don't have any chili." Sonic let out a sigh of relief.

"Ya know, sometime I think I have a dirty mind. Look Tails, I know you want to come, but it just won't be for you man. It's grown ups right now. Do you understand?" Tails sighed.

"Yeah, I understand."

"Good, now c'mon, we're headed to Cream's house to interview potential babysitters," Sonic told him.

"You mean you still haven't even gotten someone to watch me yet," Tails asked. Sonic shrugged.

"Don't worry about it, now lets go!" Sonic then ran out of the kitchen. Tails followed out with a casual walk, not too thrilled about getting a "baby" sitter. As the duo walked into the living room, they were greeted by the scene of Knuckle opening the door for none other than Shadow the hedgehog. The black hedgehog gave Tails a glance and made an "ew" noise. Tails made a face.

"The fuck's your problem," Tails yelled but Shadow ignored him.

"Hey, Blackie, come with us to-," Sonic began before he was interrupted by Shadow.

"I'm sorry, did you just call me...'Blackie'?" Sonic nodded. "Are you racist?" Sonic gave Shadow the 'Are-you-stupid-' Look.

"How can race even become a factor in this?" An awkward silence followed. "Anyway, come with us to Cream's house so we can interview a potential babysitter." Shadow shrugged.

"Whatever. I've got nothing better to do." Shadow then turned and began heading out of the house. Knuckles followed him out before he gave Tails a glace who was sitting on the couch.

"You might as well come with us, Tails. It'll save time," Knuckles offered. The frea- er- fox, nodded and hopped off of the couch and followed Knuckles out with Sonic following them out before closing and locking the door. As the group walked on the sidewalk, Sonic couldn't help but notice it was bizarrely wide enough for the group to walk side by side without anyone having to walk in the street or in someone else's yard. Then Sonic noticed the fact that they were all walking side, perfectly in rhythm with their steps.

"Weird...," Sonic muttered. Sonic then sighed at their walk was taking 21 seconds too long. "Okay guys, let's just skip this scene." Everyone gave Sonic a questioning look, but the Blue Blur didn't pay any mind as he literally grabbed the air and pulled it, ripping a whole into space, sudden appearing in front of Cream's house with a ***POP* **noise. Knuckles was mindfucked at what just happened, Tails was raging about how that wasn't even possible despite the fact he and his friends broke the fabric of space/time on a daily basis, and Shadow...he just shrugged LIKE A BOSS and said fuck it.

"Same shit, different day." Sonic knocked on a door and was greeted by Cream the Rabbit. She smiled brightly and cutely at him...before her eyes landed on Shadow; and for the smallest fraction of a second, he face contorted into the most fiercest, scariest, angriest, most evil face in the history of existence. Shadow, who was able to catch it with his ultimate eye, visibly shook. Tails raised an eyebrow.

"What's wrong," the fox asked. Shadow shook his nothing.

"Nothing...nothing at all."

"Please come in," Cream invited. She stepped aside for Sonic and Knuckles.

"Excuse me," the echidna whispered as he passed her. Shadow hesitantly entered, keeping a sharp eye on the rabbit. Tails walked in, giving a glance to both Cream and Shadow. Sonic had entered the living room. In the middle of the room was a little glass coffee table that was as clean as can be. At the left wall was a chaise lounge which Shadow took a seat on. On opposite sites of the table were two orange leather couches. Sonic sat in one with Tails by his side. A small wooden rocking chair was in the corner near a lamp. Knuckles chose said chair to be his spot.

"Has anyone stopped by yet," Sonic asked.

"You mean our clients? No," Cream answered.

"Well, then, we'll just chill here until the show up," Knuckle suggested.

"Where's Vanilla," Tails asked.

"She went to the store to buy some groceries," Cream answered.

"And Cheese?"

"He's...hiding...from Shadow." Everyone glanced at Shadow who just smiled.

"Mission accomplished." Cream scowled, but then smiled again.

"How about I bring some refreshments," the cute rabbit offered before going off to fetch some drink. Knuckle yelled a "Thanks" to her as she left. There was momentary silence while Cream was getting the boys' drinks. Shadow couldn't help but notice the amount of time it took for her to get the drinks.

"What's taking her," he asked impatiently.

"Don't sweat it, Shads. She'll get here with them when she gets here," Sonic told him.

"I'm back," Cream cried walking in with 4 glasses of a different colored/flavored fruit drinks on a silver platter.

"See," Sonic said to Shadow who only grunted. She handed Sonic the glass with the pink liquid.

"It's pink lemonade," Cream informed. Sonic nodded and thanked her, ready to take a drink, when he couldn't help but think of Amy due to the liquid's color...It made him sick to his stomach. Cream then handed Tails the glass containing the red drink. "Fruit punch," she quickly said before walking to Knuckles. "Blueberry for you Knuckles."

"Thank you," Knuckle accepted, taking his glass from Cream. The rabbit then walked over to Shadow.

"And Grape for you Shadow," she said. The Ultimate Life-form couldn't help but notice the venom in the way she said it, but chose to ignore it completely. That was until, he looked at his glace. The liquid seemed denser than your average everyday kool-aid. It was dark, like coffer, and wasn't even purple like grape. Shadow didn't like the look of it, but decided to sip from it anyway. However, just before it touched his lips, the smell struck him. His ultimate nostrils picked up on something just not right about the drink. Shadow couldn't tell what it was, but he knew it would be bad news to drink it. He examined everyone else and saw that they were drinking their juices just fine. Shadow stole a glance at Cream who wasn't looking at him and seized the opportunity. He turned to a conveniently placed plant near him and dumped his grape drinking into the pot; then he put it back to his muzzle, making it look as if he actually drank it. Cream had turned back to Shadow to see if he had drank it and what the results were. However, she was disappointed when Shadow looked healthier than a horse.

* * *

><p><strong>Meanwhile...<strong>

In a hospital with an unpronounceable name, an stallion was laying on his deathbed, coughing up blood with angry tears in his eyes.

"DAMN METAPHORS!" That was his last words before the room was filled with the sound of ***BEEEEEEEEEEEEE-**

* * *

><p><strong>At Cream's House<strong>

"So we just interview who ever comes for the job and if they aren't good enough, we send'em away," Knuckles asked. Sonic nodded.

"Yeah, we have to get someone good. Someone we can trust completely. Someone great with kids who wouldn't harm a single child in anyway, shape, or form." Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Knuckle got up from his chair to answer the door. Behind it...was the a bear...who looked nothing like the appearance anything had from the Sonic Universe. It was a simple brown bear with black circular dot-eyes. He had his mouth open revealing a pink tongue.

"Hello, I'm P. Bear. I here for the job."

* * *

><p><strong>Well that's it folks. I was going to make this longer, but I decided to give you guys this now.<strong>


	6. First Impression

**__I'm back biches! (Spelled that wrong on perpose. [Joke within a jok]) Anyway! I'm sorry for having not updated this in so long! My computer caught a nasty virus a while back and would keep freezing during the power up. So, I got a new laptop a couple of days ago and I'm ready to start cracking out chapters again. Enjoy!**

**_First Impressions_**

"Hello, I'm P. Bear. I'm here for the job," the strange looking bear said. Sonic smiled.

"Thanks a lot. C'mon in," Sonic invited. Knuckles moved from the door to allow the bear's entrance and then shut the door when he was clear. The echidna returned to his rocking chair. P. Bear sat on the couch on the opposite end of the table. Shadow lounged in his chair reading the newspaper. Sonic then began to interview.

"So, tell us Mr. Bear-," Sonic began.

"Oh, just call me P.B.," P. Bear told him.

"And J," Knuckles joked, getting a slight chuckle from Shadow who flipped another page in the newspaper.

"Right then, P.B., how'd you find out about this job," Sonic asked. P.B. put is awkwardly shaped hand on his chin.

"Well, I was browsing the internet looking for anything children related-see, I love children-when I saw the ad on the internet." Tails turned to Sonic.

"You put up an ad on the internet," Tails asked. Sonic nodded.

"The party was coming up faster than expected and we had to get someone to watch you guys quick," Sonic explained.

"You know what I find funny, the author's birthday was 5 months ago and we haven't even gotten to that chapter yet," Shadow input. Sonic stared hard at him for a moment then smiled.

"You know what I'm gonna find funny, breaking your kneecaps for breaking the 4th wall," Sonic threatened.

"Bite me, Blue." Shadow turned another page in the paper."

"Anyway. P.B. continue where you left off."

"Right, well, after I saw that the Sonic Heroes was having a party and needed a babysitter, I knew I had to be the one for the job. I just love playing with children!"

"You here that, Tails? You'll be in good hands," Sonic said nudging Tails in the arm. Knuckle decided to speak up after this.

"Maybe. First we need to know your experience and traits," Knuckles informed in a commanding tone. Let it be known that while it may not seem like it, Knuckle did care for the younger members of the team.

"Right," P.B. began, "Well, I'll have you know I've spent years watching children."

"So you'll keep a good eye on them," Sonic asked.

"Oh, I'll keep _something _on them." Cream, who had been quiet, turned to Tails and both of them had worried glances. Something about that comment startled them. Knuckles didn't much like the comment either.

"Oookay~."

"Children just have the most fun with me, ya know. We do...**_wonderful_ **things together! I wouldn't let them out of my sights..._Never!_" Sonic had paid no mind to how creepy he sounded and continued smiling. Shadow, however, was raising an eyebrow. The guy had cranked his Creep-o-meter to 11 and was seriously making the black hedgehog anxious. Shadow couldn't help but want to destroy him for making him feel...nervous? He just turned the newspaper page. There were articles about crime. A few murders, kidnappings, fights, thefts, nothing too bad...until one particular article caught his interest.

"Well, you sound like a wonderful choice. I think someone as experienced in children as you are is a good choice."

"Experienced **_in_**children? Stop now, I'm not that good...yet," P.B. said. And then he let out the weirdest laugh Tails had ever heard. "TEE HEHEHEHEHEHEHE Haaaa~!" Knuckles was staring at P.B. somewhat frightened.

"Da fuqq wuz dat?" Knuckles asked with terrible grammar.

"Anyway, I think it's safe to assume that I got the job," P.B. asked. Sonic nodded.

"Yep, you're definitely the-"

"Sonic, I don't mean to interrupt...or I do...but you should look at this article in the newspaper, it's really important," Shadow informed.

"Not now, Shadow, I'm-"

"It's an article about you," Shadow lied. Sonic snatched it from the black hedgehog and looked at the article with Tails looking at with him. Tails had a grim look on his face and Sonic's smile faded into a stone-cold, serious look.

"I see...Um, P. Bear., before we hire you, I'd like to know, just what does the 'P' stand for exactly," Sonic asked in a very professional manner.

"Um...P-Peter. It stands for Peter," 'Peter Bear' answered very nervously. Sonic learned forward.

"Are you sure? Are you sure it doesn't stand for something else?" Sonic's eyes narrowed.

"I-I don't know what you're talking about. M-My name is Peter," 'Peter' protested nervously. Sonic then turned the newspaper to him. The headline read...

**Widely known pedophile, Pedobear, has recently escaped from prison!**

The picture of the criminal was none other than the bear they were speaking to now.

The room grew silent. Cream moved to the opposite side of room in the safety of Knuckles' protection. Knuckles' jaw dropped.

"You maybe wanna just leave," Sonic asked in a menacing tone. Pedobear sighed sadly and stood.

"Yeah, I'm sorry for wasting your time. I'll just- GIVE ME THE FOX!" The bear suddenly charged over the table and tried to attack Tails. Sonic sprung into action- literally, he took out a random spring and jumped on it, bouncing into Pedobear, delivering a headbutt that shot the bear at the wall. Knuckles grabbed the bear by his face and through him out the front door, just as a truck came by and hit him, taking the bear wherever the driver was going. Tails was clinging to the chair in fear, sweating bricks. Shadow was still lounging in his chair.

"Well, that was...exciting," Sonic said dusting himself off.

"Let's just forget that happened," Knuckles offered, resetting himself in the rocking chair.

"Tails, it's okay, he's gone," Cream said to the scared fox. Tails calmed himself when they suddenly heard another door knock.

"Alright guys, we have to be more careful with who we let in here. That guy was dangerous. We have to be more vigilant," Sonic warned, earning a nod from everyone minus Shadow, who was quickly back to reading the paper. Knuckles answered the door and in came 2 mobians. They were both wearing long trench coats and fedoras. One was a monkey who was smoking a cigar. The other was a tall tiger with a pair of sunglasses.

"We heard yous was lookin' for a couple a guys to uh...take care of someone," the monkey said, puffing smoke out of his mouth with a small cough.

"Yeah, and by 'take care of', we mean kill them. Right, boss," the tiger asked leaning over the monkey. The monkey then bitch slapped the tiger and grabbed him by the collar of his coat.

"Whatsa matta with ya, you big dumb-nut?! Can't you see there are munchkins present," the monkey was blowing smoke into the tigers face. The tiger was sweatin' bullets.

"I-I'm sorry, Boss! I just thought we should clarify for them so they wouldn't get it mixed up with what we were doin'. Ya know, in case they really want us to take care of someone, not '_take care of them.'_ So I's just wanted to-"

**_BITCHSLAP!_**

"Shut up, you stripped pussy! You want me to cut off yer _other _ball," the monkey asked. The tiger shook his head quickly. "Good." The monkey then looked back at Sonic and co. to see them with wide eyes staring at them. Shadow was laughing his ass off. "So where were we?" *Cough*

"Um...," Sonic began awkwardly. "Actually, we were looking for a babysitter. We don't want anyone...killed," Sonic explained.

"*Cough* Oh, we do that too. Tony, show'em!" The monkey opened his trench coat to reveal a diaper, candy, rattles, children's books, and video games. The tiger, Tony, opened his to reveal a knife, a pistol, a bag of weed, and condoms. The monkey started growling.

"Oops! Hehe, wrong side." Tony closed his coat and opened it again...Strangely, all the items were replaced. They were comics, cookies in a plastic bag, action figures, trading cards and...porno mag?

**_BITCHSLAP!_**

"Why the hell do you have that on the kids side," Boss asked.

"Well you know, Boss. Some teens are real interested in this stuff and-"

**_BITCHSLAP!_**

"Shut up, you dingaling!" The two closed their coats. Boss turned back to Sonic. "As you can sse, we specialize in a lot of different methods of...'taking care of someone'," Boss explained.**_  
><em>**

"Yeah, that includes sexual favors," Tony added.

**_BITCHSLAP!_**

"That's it! That other nut is comin' off! SNIP," Boss yelled. The others in the room was quiet.

"Yeeeaah...See, um, you're just not, umm, what we're looking for...Sorry," Sonic said.

"I like them," Shadow declared. Tails was scared shitless. Cream...who cares what she thinks. Knuckles was picking his nose...somehow...and was wiping in on the wall like he owned the place.

"I see...Well, that's too bad," Boss began.

"But can we stay in touch? There may be someone I need you to um...'_take care_' of," Sonic offered.

"Boss, I think he means kill," Tony offered.

**_BITCHSLAP!_**

"Sure, we can stay in touch. Our number is 1-800-GET-CARE. Let's gonna To- *Cough* *Hack* *Wheeze* Dammit, why do I smoke these things anyway?!" Boss grabbed the cigar and chucked it across the street into the window of another house. Within seconds, it was engulfed in flames. "C'mon, you. We gotta take care of those fossil at the retirement home," Boss commanded. "Hope to be seein' ya real soon," Boss said to Sonic and co. With that the two...'carers' left. Sonic closed the door behind them. An air of relief filled the room.

"I think they would've made great babysitters, Sonic," Shadow said.

"Are you joking?! There's no way they could have stayed! That tiger looked menacing enough, but then that monkey made him his bitch in less than 10 seconds upon entering," Tails said.

"Tails is right. We'll just keep searching," Sonic explained. Then someone else knocked on the door.

"Oh Chaos, whose next?" As Sonic opened the door, _another _pair of gentlemen walked in. One was tall handsome emperor penguin who had a top hat. Beside him was a smaller avian, a short blue jay with a very strange smile on his face. He was also wearing a cape.

"Good afternoon," the Penguin greeted, to which Sonic returned. The two clients stepped into the house and seated themselves onto the couch.

"Thanks for responding to our call," Sonic expressed.

"It was no problem. My assistant and I were running low on funds for our apartment and we needed a job."

"So, who are you guys anyway," Knuckles asked.

"Oh! Where are my manners," the Penguin asked himself. The blue jay turned to him excitedly.

"Ooh, ooh, I know, I know! If I find them can I get more free time out of the cage?" Everyone was staring at the blue jay with weird looks. The Penguin looked very nervous.

"Ehe, um, please ignore him he likes to make jokes. Please address me as me as Mr. Lester. And this is my assistant Ben," Mr. Lester introduced pointing to the blue jay.

"Yeah, I'm Ben Do-"

"Ben I don't think they need to know your last time," Mr. Lester informed sternly. Ben quieted down. Sonic walked over to them and shook Mr. Lester's hand.

"It's nice to meet you, I'm Sonic the Hedgehog," the blue dude introduced.

"Ah yes, the famous hero! Everyone knows who you are." Sonic nodded and pointed at Tails and Cream. "These are two of the 3 kids we'd like to hire to watch. The fox is named Tails and the rabbit is Cream."

"Once again, Sonic, they most likely know who they are. We're all famous," Shadow stated from behind his news paper. The blue jay looked at him.

"Who are you?" Shadow moved his newspaper from his face.

"Shadow," he answered deadpanned. Jay blinked innocently.

"Who?"

"The Ultimate Life-Form?"

"What?"

"The Dark Hero? Secret G.U.N. agent?"

"Not much of secret anymore, huh?" Knuckles chuckled out. Shadow glared at him.

"C'mon, the mysterious Hedgehog who everyone had mistaken Sonic for?" Shadow's tone was rising and he was getting irritated.

"Oh! You mean Silver, right?" Shadow stood up but Sonic quickly intercepted him.

"Easy soldier. Just let it go," Sonic insisted. Shadow back down, but was glaring at the bird.

"You guys got some funny names! But not as funny as our's," Ben declared. elbowed him in the side to quiet him.

"Ben, be quiet!" This got everyone curious. Sonic decided to pry for this.

"Actually, I am curious, Mr. Lester. What are your full names," Sonic asked.

"Oh you, uh...don't need to know those," he tried to dissuade.

"Quite the contrary, Mr. Lester. You see, if we are to have a trusting relationship with our clients, we must know as much about them as we can," Shadow explained. He was really bullshitting as he really didn't care what happened to the younger members of the team while the grown ups partied. Hell, he didn't see what was so wrong about letting them come to the party anyway.

"He's right. If you want to get the job, you have to tell us at least that much," Sonic added. The penguin sighed.

"Okay, but don't judge us when you hear our names, alright," Mr. Lester said.

"Oh, c'mon. It can't be that bad. I'm not some jerk who'd judge by name alone," Sonic assured.

"It can't be any worse than my real name," Tails stated. Mr. Lester pointed to himself and his assistant.

"I am Moe Lester and this is my assistant Ben Dover," he revealed. Everyone just stared.

"Wait...Moe Lester," Sonic asked.

"Ben...Dover, was it," Shadow repeated. The happy little blue jay nodded quickly.

"Yep! It's like our parents were making a joke when they were thinking of names...Or they hated us!" Molester-Wait, I mean Mr. Lester face palmed. There goes their jobs.

"Listen I know that it sounds bad but-"

"Get out," Sonic said stoically.

"What?"

"Get out." Sonic had his arms crossed and Tails had jumped behind the couch. Cream was in the protective arms of Knuckles. Shadow had pulled a pistol out of the newspaper (What?) and was holding to Moe's had.

"I knew you looked like a creepy bastard," Shadow yelled. He was a thieving, genocidal, murderous, badass, meany a lot of times...But he was a hero too, dammit! And he'd never let anyone harm a child. He'd soon kill it himself. (What?)

"But I," Moe began, but Shadow cut him off.

"You've got til the count of 1!"

"Eep! Ben, let's get out of here!" Moe Lester snatched his assistant and hightailed it out of Cream's house.

"Hey, Moe, can we go to the park again," Ben Dover ran out of Cream's house just behind his boss, closing the door on the way out. The tension in the air seemed to settle.

"Well, that was close," Sonic breathed out.

"Hm. Ya know, we never really did ask them any questions. Who knows, they could have actually been good guys. Like that sayin', don't judge a magazine by the cover girl," Knuckles pitched.

"Save it Knuck- Wait, what? That's not how the saying goes!" Knuckles shrugged. "Well, in any case, even if we were to reconsider them, we've already scared them off," Sonic said.

"No thanks are necessary," Shadow muttered.

"So now what," Cream asked. Sonic turned around quickly to the sound of her voice.

"You're still here? You hadn't spoken in so long."

"The author hadn't been giving her lines. He's forg-"

**_BITCHSLAP!_**

"OUCH! The fucks your problem, Sonic," Shadow screeched rising for a fight. However, the look in Sonic's eyes made him back down somewhat.

"I told you...Don't. Break. The fourth. Wall." Sonic's tone was menacing.

"Alright I got it...Prick," Shadow mumbled. Tails let out an irritated sigh.

"Man! Will I ever get a nice, normal babysitter who isn't a pedofile!"

"You spelled that wrong," Shadow informed. Tails gave him a confused look.

"Spelled what wrong?"

"Pedophile."

"I never spelled pedofile."

"You just did it again," Shadow pointed out.

"What are you talking about?"

"Yes, Shadow, what are you talking about," Sonic asked walking up behind Tails. He gave Shadow a daring look and the Ultimate Life-Form decided to drop it. He knew that in this fic, Sonic was the Invincible Hero.

"Nothing. Never mind," Shadow answered burying his nose back into his newspaper. The funny thing was,Tails had noticed that Shadow had reached the end of the paper several times. Upon further inspection, the fox could see that it very well was the same paper he started with. That meant he was reading the same one...over and over again. Shadow must have been bored, but was too lazy to get another one.

"That's...sad," the fox whispered.

"Hey, everyone, someone else is coming," Cream informed looking out of the window. Knuckles peeked out of the same one and nodded.

"She's right, and this time it's a chick," the echidna confirmed. Tails got excited.

"Okay, everyone! Let's hope this one will be a winner," Sonic prayed cheerfully. "We need to get these intervews over with."

"You spelled that wrong," Shadow stated. Sonic growled.

"You motherf-"Sonic was cut by the sound of knocking from the door.

* * *

><p><strong>End. I hope you enjoyed! Thank you and review! And Don't worry. The awkward questions will return.<strong>


	7. Weirdos Love Me

_**Weirdos Love Me**_

Everything grew quiet from the sound of the door being knocked on. Everyone exchanged glances. Knuckles was in his rocking chair kicking it, Cream was standing by his side, Shadow was still in his lounge chair, and Tails and Sonic were sitting on the orange couch.

"That's amazing...He still knows where we're sitting even though that was months ago," Shadow stated in awe, breaking the 4th wall once again. The sound of knocking came from the door again. 'Get the door', Knuckles mouth to Sonic. Sonic returned, 'Why me?', to which Knuckles answered, 'You're already at the door.' Sonic looked around to notice this was true.

"What the-Fuck you, Phantom." Sonic took a deep breath and put on his best face. The same boring cheesy, trolling, smile he gave everyone. Opening the door, Sonic smiled. "Welcome," he greeted. The female behind the door was simple brown squirrel. Normally, for a character that wasn't going to last too long, Phantom wouldn't bother giving her anything more than a generic appearance, but was going to make an exception for this chapter. This squirrel had bright purple eyes and her was tied in a pony tail with a cute purple bow. Purple seemed to be her color; she was wearing a purple turtle neck shirt, which had struck Sonic as weird, due the fact that it was rather warm outside. Lastly, she was wearing a pair of black jeans with matching black sandals. While she had incredible hips in Sonic's opinion, she was painfully flat chested. She walked in and sat down in couch in front of Tails. She was incredibly pretty. However, Shadow gave her an unnoticed dirty look as he noticed something about her and wondered if the others noticed. Seeing the cool welcoming smiles on their faces told Shadow that they didn't. He decided he'd let them figure it out on their own. Or they wouldn't. He didn't care.

"It's nice of you to come by. Today we really haven't had much luck," Sonic explained. The squirrel started to speak, but Tails cut her off.

"Hiya! I'm Tails, I'm one of the two you're going to watch over. NOT babysit." Tails stressed the last part. Once again, the squirrel started to speak, but was once again cut off.

"I'm Cream! And this is Knuckles." The squirrel nodded and opened her mouth to speak, but Cream continued introductions. "That grumpy black guy over there is Shadow."

"Don't introduce me!"

"I'm just trying to be nice since I thought you were too lazy to speak!"

"Guys?"

"If I don't say anything, then it probably means I don't want to introduce myself!"

"Well you're just being a meany!"

"C'mon guys, please stop."

"And you're just being an idiot girl!"

"Don't fight over me, please! I couldn't bear it!"

"Fuck you, Sonic!"

"Seriously guys, stop arguing. You're going to scare her off," Knuckles said pointing at the client.

"I'm a dude..." Everything, and I mean **EVERYTHING **got quiet after they heard that. Hell, the clock even stopped ticking. Knuckles rocking chair stopped in mid-rock, defying his weight shift. All they could hear was the sound of Tails's heart breaking. Everyone stared at the squirrel in shock and confusion...Except Shadow. He just hide his face behind his paper again. Sonic mouth nearly hit the floor...or the coffee table just under him but anyway...

"What?" The squirrel looked really awkward all of a sudden. Sonic then sat back into the couch and had a serious look on his face. He had put his hand up to his chin and narrowed his eyes as if he was thinking on what to say at that point. He opened his mouth to speak, but closed it to reevaluate his thoughts. Then he took a deep breath and tapped his fingertips together. "So...Let me get this straight. You're a guy?"

"Um...Yeah." True enough, the squirrel's voice was deep and smooth to fit a male in his late teens. Sonic once again sat back into his chair, hand up to his chin, staring out into space. "Look, I know, I have a very androgynous body..." The squirrel trailed off nervously.

"In English," Knuckles asked.

"He looks like a girl," Tails answered quickly. Knuckles started to rant.

"But that doesn't even make any sense! How can a guy look so much like a girl. I've see gays who don't even look as girly. Hell, they look manly! Not to mention that bow in his hair! This whole thing is just-"

"Knuckles stare at ceiling and think about grapes," Shadow ordered. Immediately, Knuckles looked up with a stupid look on his face.

"I like grapes...," he muttered. Cream then spoke again for the first time.

"What's your name?"

"Jesse," the squirrel answered. _"Hell, he even has a girly_ name," Shadow thought to himself.

"Are you...um gay," Tails asked.

"No."

"Dat bow tie tho," Knuckles suddenly spoke up.

"Only thing I could find to hold my hair," Jesse answered.

"But still, it looks-"

"Knuckles stare at floor and think about kittens," Shadow commanded. Knuckles looked up and began mumbling to himself. "Close enough..."

"Mmm...Big...Blaze," Knuckles mumbled. Everyone gave Knuckles weird looks except Sonic, whose blank look was steadily becoming one of anger.

"Look, I'm not gay, but would that be a problem?" Sonic spoke for the first time in a while to answer.

"You know what? Normally, it wouldn't be! It wouldn't be a problem at all! You wouldn't be a problem at all! But considering who we've dealt with today-"

"Molesters and potential rapist...," Shadow pitched in.

"-I just can't do this! I-I thought you were a pretty chick who could finally help us, but no! You're some weirdo who looks like a girl-"

"I'm not weird," Jesse tried to convince.

"And now-now I'm pissed! I can't do this anymore. I just can't. I-I refused to! I...I...Fuck it, I need a chili-dog." Sonic was exasperated as he got up and started walking away. "Look, Jesse, just leave a freakin' phone number or something and we'll call you okay! Cuz, you seem like a nice guy and I can't judge you for your looks. I just...I just really wanted a girl to do this job and...Shit, I can't do this." Sonic was tearing some quills out of his head as he walked into a kitchen.

"Um...Jesse, I'm so sorry for Sonic's behavior, but yeah, can you just leave a phone number for us to call you back on. We're really sorry," Tails explained. Jesse had taken the pen and paper Cream handed to him.

"It's all cool. I've had this problem before," the squirrel explained.

"No kidding," Shadow droned out.

"Literally, I mean. Tried to watch this couple's kids when the boys thought I was girl and-"

"Yeah, uh-huh, that's nice, but this newspaper is more interesting than your story," Shadow insulted.

"I like pussy," Knuckles jabbered staring at the floor.

"KNUCKLES, SHUT THE FUCK UP," Shadow barked.

"yOU TOLD ME TO THINK ABOUT CATS," kNUCKLES SHOT BACK. sHADOW WAS ABOUT TO SPEAK WHEN HE REALIZED SOMETHING.

"dAMMIT, pHANTOM! tURN CAPS LOCK OFF," sHAD-OH SORRY-Shadow demanded. "Thanks you. And you!" Shadow pointed an accusing finger to Jesse.

"Me?"

"Yes! Why are you still here! We have other weird-asses to interview so leave so we can get tortured. Phantom makes it so that others won't show up if you're still here," Shadow explained.

"No! In that case, please stay," Tails pleaded.

"No, get out now. If you don't, then so help me myself I will Chaos Spear your asshole," Shadow threatened. Jesse quickly rose to his feet and raised his hand defensively.

"Hey man, we're cool," he stammered. "I guess, I might see you guys later," Jesse said quickly running for the door. After he closed it, Shadow, for the hell of it, threw a Chaos Spear at it, destroying anyway. He got his desired effect, a 'Whoa' screeched out by Jesse.

"You dumbass! Who's going to pay for that," Cream wailed.

"Did Cream just curse," Knuckles asked.

"Knuckles think about grapes," Shadow ordered trying to shut the echidna up.

"Not gonna work this time! You think I a-stupid, but I'm not! I'm actually smarterer than any of you think. In fact, I know when you guys is trying to be smarterer than me!" Knuckles sentence was filled with horrible grammer-

"Grammar," Knuckles corrected. THE DAY I'M CORRECTED BY RETAR- (Ahem) Sorry. "Like I was saying, I'm way to intelligent to fall for that trick again Sha-

"Knuckles, think about the Master Emeralds and stare outside the window."

"Okay."

"Who is going to fix my door," Cream asked loudly, drawing attention back to herself.

"I've got it!" Sonic had sauntered back into the living room with half a chili-dog in his hands. The funny thing was, Cream couldn't remember if her mother had even bought the necessary ingredients to make them, but remembering Sonic's incredible speed, gave it a mere hand wave and stopped thinking about. This fic was getting too confusing for her anyway.

"Oh yeah? What are gonna do, magically wave your hand and suddenly the door will fix itself," Shadow taunted. Sonic then walked over to the shattered front door.

Waving his hand in front of it, he chanted, "Deus ex Machina!" And suddenly the door began to fix itself. Even the pieces that were completely vaporized began to reform. Everyone stared in shock.

"How did you-," Shadow started to say until...

_**BITCHSLAP!**_

"Listen. I don't want to hear shit from you, alright! You've broken the 4th, 5th, and 6th motherfucking walls and I plan to make you pay for it. For now, let's take 2 more clients, if we can't find someone, **_you're _**going to watch the kids." Sonic's tone was deadly serious and was suggesting no back talk. Shadow, however, was not the type of person to take that sitting down. So he stood up.

"I don't care who you _think _you are, but I'll tell you who you're not. You're not my father, you're not my master, you don't have the right to tell me what I am and am not going to do. You hear me? I don't care how pissed you are. I'm not like these other bitches, I will stand my ground against you," Shadow declared. Sonic's eyes narrowed as he finished his chili-dog. He took a few steps towards Shadow with a balled fist, to which Shadow responded by balling his own. Sonic got closer and closer until he raised his fist to strike. Shadow followed the movement and then...They fist bumped.

"That was hot shit. No one's stood up to me before. Nice," Sonic complimented with a smile. Shadow smirked.

"Just goes to show you I ain't no bitch," Shadow answered.

"The fuck was that lame shit," Knuckles screeched. He really want to see Sonic and Shadow knock each other out.

"You know...I knew Jesse was a boy all along," Shadow revealed suddenly.

"What the hell? How? Why didn't you tell us?"

"How? I'm the Ultimate Life-Form. My senses are better than everyone else's. He didn't smell like a female. I didn't say anything because I thought your reaction would've been funny."

"It was...So so funny, indeed," Knuckles breathed out.

"Anyway...," Sonic snarled through gritted teeth,"When do you think the next person gonna show up?"

"When the plot demands it," Shadow answered.

"This story has a plot," Tails asked. They were all silenced by the sound of knocking...again. Shadow instantly perked up.

"I do NOT perk up." Shadow got slightly excited because, "This time it's female."

"Finally," Tails whispered. Tails was still a teenager, so he watched plenty of porn and had dirty fantasies of actually getting it on with a babysitter. That was the only reason he wanted a female so badly. But he'd never tell his friends any of that. He had a innocent image to keep after all. Plus, a male babysitter felt awkward if they were a stranger.

Sonic stepped over to the door and waited for the door to be knocked on. When it was, he hesitated "Open the damn door, Sonic," Shadow brooding voice called. Sonic ignored him, waiting a few seconds. Really now, how weird would it be to answer the door only a second after someone knocked on the door? He didn't want to look like he was waiting for the client. Deciding 5 seconds was a good enough wait, Sonic opened to door with a large enthusiastic smile.

Behind the door was a female bird. To be specific, it was a tall dove. She had pretty purple eyes, hanging head feathers, a shapely body - Something Tails noticed immediately -, was holding a green purse, and was wearing a long green dress with red and orange floral designs on it. Shadow couldn't help but noticed that the dress was HIDEOUS and was an insult to fashion, but kept that comment to himself. Funny enough, the dress had two flowers right where the dove's large breasts were.

"Do birds even have breasts," Knuckles asked in a whisper.

"Shut up, Knuckles," Shadow dismissed. He didn't want to think too hard about this. Tails on the other hand was so happy! Not only was it a girl, but it was a pretty girl avian. Tails had a fetish for feathers...but wouldn't tell anyone else that. Cream was checking out the dove's dress and thought it look FANTASTIC. She also noticed he purse and decided-

"Are you guys just gonna give out your opinions all day or can we move along with this scene," Sonic asked impatiently.

"You can read the story," Tails asked.

Sonic turned to him and looked him in the eye, made a creepy face with wide eyes and turned his nose upward. Pointing at Tails, he answered, "You can do it too." So turned back to the dove. "Anyway, please come in," Sonic offered, moving aside, letting the bird in. As she walked by, Sonic looked at he butt. "Meh. Average." The dove sat on the couch opposite of Tails and Sonic had joined his furry friend soon after. "So, how are you," Sonic asked starting with small talk. Tails gave Sonic a questioning look. Shadow understood what Sonic was doing; he was checking to see how she would answer off-topic questions to see what her personality was like.

"I'm fine, thank you." The dove's voice was slightly high-pitched, but was soft.

"So, I'm Sonic and...everyone else doesn't matter. So, what's your name?"

"I am Anna," she introduced.

"Well, it's very nice to meet you, Anna."

"Like wise," the dove replied with a cheery smiled. Tails leaned over to Sonic's ear.

"I like her," he whispered. Sonic only nodded.

"So, tell us Anna, why do you believe you'd be right to take care of our precious little ones," Sonic asked.

"Because one's a genius who can destroy robots with his tails while the other has the cooking prowess of a world class chef. They really need someone to care for them," Shadow scoffed sarcastically. Sonic ignored Shadow. He wouldn't say it out loud, but he only wanted someone to watch Tails so that they wouldn't come to the party. He knew Tails would make some bullshit excuse about needing supervision for a child or some crap like that.

"Well, I just love children," Anna said, responding to Sonic's question.

"As did most of our other clients, apparently," Shadow muttered.

"Do you have any experience with dealing with children," Sonic asked.

"Yes, I watched my 24 nieces and 21 nephews a lot of years ago." Shadow looked from his newspaper.

"Your what? Never mind, don't answer. I don't care to know anyway."

"Sounds like your family likes to get down," Knuckles joked.

"Very good," Sonic cheered. He was starting to like this women even more.

"If it helps, I've taken first aid classes so in case they get hurt, which they most certainly won't, I'll know how to treat it," Anna explained. "I've also taken a few classes on cooking."

"Even better!"

"I've even learned self-defense."

"I didn't ask, but great too!" Sonic truly thought they had a winner now.

"I really like her," Tails whispered to Sonic.

"Me too," Sonic whispered back. "I think we finally have someone." Hearing that, Anna smiled.

Shadow, however, wasn't so sure. _"She's too damn perfect. Next thing you know she'll start saying she's a princess or some Mary-sue shit like that," _the Ultimate Life-Form thought to himself.

"Hey, Sonic, hold on a minute," Shadow advised grabbing the blue hedgy's shoulder.

"What now, Shadow," Sonic complained.

"Well, we've had a few seemingly decent people come in here already, right?"

"We have," Knuckles asked.

"I almost forgot Knuckles was in this scene due to his lack of lines," Tails pointed out. Then he noticed Cream. "Ah, she's here too."

"What's your point faker?" Shadow looked taken aback.

"_Faker?! _I think you're the fake hedgehog around here. You're comparing yourself to me? Ha! You're not even good enough to-Wait? Goddammit, Sonic! Let's not do this now," Shadow said, face palming. "Maybe we should check for any..._special quirks_," Shadow suggested.

"Oh yeah, I should," Sonic agree. Anna looked confused and slightly nervous. Sonic turned to Anna with a serious look. "Do you have any um...How to put this?"

"Are you insane at all," Shadow asked boldly.

"Shadow!"

"No, I'm not insane," Anna answered awkwardly.

"Are you a murderer?"

"No."

"Rapist?"

"No."

"Pedophile?"

"No."

"Are those boobs real?"

"What?!"

"Well, I do believe there's nothing for us to worry about," Sonic cut in. "Well, I guess there's really no-"

"Oh wait! I do have this teeny tiny little problem," Anna brought up. To emphasize this she put her thumb and index finger close together. Everyone turned to her.

"Yeeeeeees~, we're listening," Sonic said cautiously.

"I just, sometimes, have a little trouble with my anger. Nothing big, I just sometimes throw really small tantrums and I pout. It's nothing, really. Not even noticeable," the dove explained.

"Oh really now," Shadow asked. Shadow had wanted to see what her "really small tantrums" were. "I'm going to test those 'really small tantrums."

"Shadow don't," Sonic warned.

"So why do you want to babysit? Don't you belong in the kitchen like all women," Shadow asked smugly. Anna blinked. "Oh, is something the matter? Can't speak? I guess you've been licking too much dick that your tongue has gone tired, huh slut?" Anna frowned at that one.

"Shadow, stop it! Don't ruin this for us," Tails cried.

"Sonic, check this girl out. Those tits...Now we know who the real Faker is around here. Am I right," Shadow joked. Sonic wanted him to stop, but his inner dickishness was enjoying this.

"Oh what the hell," Sonic gave in.

"Red, orange, and green do NOT go together. That dress is a no-go," Shadow pointed out.

"You look like a walking bag of skittles," Sonic pitched it, joining the fun.

"Shiiiiiit~I ain't about to taste _that _rainbow," Knuckles joked. Tails was fuming. Those assholes was gonna make Anna leave. However, when he looked at the dove, she was chuckling.

"You guys...It's so funny what you're trying to do. I won't get angry over insults," Anna explained. "They don't affect me because I know you don't mean it."

"I do, bitch," Shadow barked.

"You won't get mad? Not even a little," Sonic asked.

"Of course she won't! A bitch ought to know her place and just sit there and _take_ _it_," Shadow hissed. He really bled his evil heart out with insults.

"Now, is this little test over? You're words won't hurt me at all," she convinced.

"Well, I guess that's that," Sonic surrendered. Knuckles shrugged and Shadow looked annoyed. Tails sighed with relief. Cream, who had been quiet -because she was just not getting any lines- had decided she wanted to try her hand at insults; however, she wasn't good a them.

"Excuse me miss Anna, I think you're a big fat doodoo head," Cream said in the cutest voice ever. And then...

"...The _**FUCK **_did you say to me?" Anna had stood from her seat on the couch.

Shadow did not look amused. "Oh, you gotta be kidding me..."

"You little bitch!" Anna turned over and picked up the couch as if it was nothing at all. Shadow's eyes widened.

"Oh you've gotta be fucking kidding me!"

Tails and Sonic were shaking in their seats.

"S-Sonic."

"Yeah, buddy?"

"I don't think I like her anymore," Tails whispered.

"Agreed."

"I'll fuck you motherfuckers up," Anna roared tossing the couch at Sonic and Tails. Shadow, with pure instinct and badassery...and just plain being Shadow, tossed a Chaos Spear at the couch, reducing it cinders. Anna charged forward ready to rip Shadow a new one when background character A

"Hey!" -I mean Knuckles intercepted her. He held her in place at a stalemate. "You ain't goin' nowhere!" Knuckles was then instantly tossed on his ass across the room. Sonic tried to dash forward to spin dash attack her, but...

_**BITCHSLAP!**_

Anna had backhanded Sonic so hard he flew and smacked into the wall. When he hit it, a large amount of rings suddenly spilled from his body. Shadow seized this opportunity and picked some off of the ground.

"Hey! Those are mine," Sonic complained.

"Sharing is caring," Shadow put out casually.

"I don't care!"

"Hey assholes, we got a situation!" Anna had held Tails high in the air and was prepared to snap him like a twig. "Feel free to save me anytime, you know."

"Does that include _after _you die or...?"

"Shadow!"

"What? He said_ anytime. _I'm just going with what he said and- **_Oh daaaaamn!_**"Anna was not amused with being ignored, so she charged Shadow and his awesomeness warned him in time so that he could dodge.

"What? That doesn't make any sense," Cream complained. She couldn't get with the program.

"Anna. Smash," the busty bruiser roared as she smashed the floor. The shock wave blew Tails right out of the window. Shadow dodged the shock wave because he's Shadow. Sonic dodged it because _It's too slow~. _Knuckles, who just recovered from his original thrasher and had stood up, was forced into the kitchen. The echidna flew into the cabinets just under the silverware racks. The force of the impact caused vibrations to ripple through the kitchen, causing the knife rack to land on the edge of the counter...just above Knuckles's head. He saw this and shook his head.

"(Sigh) This is just one of those days ain't it?"

Shadow had karate chopped Anna in the back of the neck and she screeched at him in pain. Sonic homing attacked her from the top of the stairs screaming, "Move, bitch! Get out the way!", and the poor bird flew into the wall. They then heard the sound of Knuckles screaming in pain for some reason they didn't care about.

"We've got her on the ropes," Sonic cried. Anna growled as she tried to stand.

"I'll show you who's the doodoo head," she declared. It was weird but her dress hadn't a stain on it, but she herself was bleeding and had ruffled feathers. Shadow decided to finish this. He ran at her and jumped up to the ceiling. Kicking off of it, he came down on Anna and slammed his heel on the back of her head, knocking her out cold.

"Damn, I was hoping I killed her," Shadow pouted. Everyone was injured and beaten.

"Tails you alright," Sonic called out of the window.

"Peachy!"

"We did it," Cream cheered, appearing from out of thin air as if she was always there.

"What? No-screw you Cream. You didn't help at all. We were the one's fight," Shadow boomed.

"I think there's a knife in my left cheek...and my jugulars..."

"We've gotta get this place cleaned up," Sonic told everyone.

"Seriously, I'm bleeding out in this kitchen."

"I'm just glad no one got seriously hurt," Tails relieved, crawling into the window.

"Hello? Echidna in here? Multiple knives in face? Needs a lot of help! Gonna die!"

"Yeah, we're all safe. And that's what really matters," Sonic agreed.

"Fuck you guys!"

"Well lets clean this place up; and by that I mean, let's you guys clean this place up," Shadow said retaking his place on the chaise lounge.

"Come on, Shadow! That's not fair. You destroyed my house," Cream whined.

"It's your house," Shadow waved off calmly.

"But-"

"It's alright, Cream," Sonic said. With a sigh he chanted, "Deus ex Machina!" Within the hour, the place was fixed like new and even Knuckles, who had about 17 different knives in his face, neck, and upper chest areas, was fixed. However, no more clients were coming to take the jobs...Which meant they were pretty much screwed...Or were they.

* * *

><p>"So...Ya just need someone to watch the lil' tykes for ya? No assassinations? No threats? No robbings? Just a lil' babysittin', right?"<p>

_"That's right. I'll even pay you double! Please help us, we're really desperate!"_

"Yeah, yeah, we'll be there in a minute."

* * *

><p>"Are they here yet," Knuckles asked.<p>

"No yet, but they're on their way. I'm glad we could trust these guys," Sonic cheered with glee.

"Can we," Tails asked, but was ignored. Suddenly-

_**BITCHSLAP!**_

"They're here," Sonic cheered. He quickly ran to the door and opened it to reveal a pissed looking monkey and a tiger rubbing his check, both wearing trench coats.

"And remember: Best behavior Tony, or I close it up for good," Boss threatened. Tony nodded like a good boy. The monkey turned to Sonic. "Nice to see ya again, Sonic. Thanks for hiring our services. We'll take care of the kids for ya," Boss ensured. Sonic almost smiled until he remembered their definition of 'getting taken care of.' Boss must have realized this because his eyes widened. "Not like that. Trust me, they're still be alive in the end," Boss reassured. That calmed Sonic a little bit.

"This is it," Knuckles said. It had been about 6 months in the making, but the party scene was coming soon. They finally found a babysitter to watch their kid members of the team while everyone else lost their damn minds.

"Yeah, I know," Sonic said.

"About fucking time, right?"

"I hope you guys have fun," Tails wished sadly.

"Oh don't worry, Tails. We'll have fun too," Cream encouraged.

"Well, I guess we leave them to you guys-"

**_KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK._**

Sonic answered the door. It was Vector the Crocodile...And Charmy Bee.

"Hey, Sonic. Can I ask you a favor?"

* * *

><p><em>Now time for Awkward Questions with Tails! Yes! There' back bitches!<em>

Sonic was inside of Cream's kitchen, snacking on one last Chili-dog before he headed off to the Sonic Heroes HQ. Tails walked into the kitchen with him. Sonic took notice.

"Hey little bro. What's up?"

"Can I ask you something," Tails asked uncertainly. Sonic raised on eyebrow.

"I...Guess you can. What?" Tails took a deep breath.

"In Sonic 06, when you died, how did you tell Elise you-"

"Whoa. What? What is Sonic 06?"

"You know, Sonic Nex-Gen. Sonic for the Xbox 360 or PS3. You're first game to the next genera-"

"Tails, I (haha) have no idea what you're talking about," Sonic tried to convince nervously.

"But that was a big game then. Everyone made a big deal out of it and everything! Remember: Soleanna, the first time we met Silver, Princess Elise, all those glitches?!" Sonic frowned with confusion.

"That never happened," he stated as a matter of fact.

"But Mephiles killed you! We went through the end of the world, for Chaos' sake!-"

"TAILS! That NEVER happened! Got it," Sonic asked through gritted teeth. Tails didn't respond so Sonic began to walk away, muttering to himself about something. "Never happened...it...It never happened...Ever..."


	8. That OneUneventful Chapter

**_That One...Uneventful Chapter_**

Sonic's gaze shifted between both Vector and Charmy. Vector had a nervous look on his face while Charmy was smiling as bright as he normally did. "Just what would that favor be, Vector," Sonic asked. Before the crocodile responded, the answer to Sonic's question clicked in his own head. _"Charmy...," _Sonic thought to himself.

"Well, I was headin' to the HQ after leavin' the doctor's when I remember that you strictly said none of kids could be at the party. I never had a chance to find a sitter for Charmy and-"

"HI SONIC!" Sonic jumped from Charmy's sudden outburst. Sonic glared at him.

"Really? You chose now to say something," Vector scolded, annoyed. He looked back over to Sonic. "Like I was sayin'...I never got anyone for the little guy. Didja find a sitter?"

"I did. I have two actually." Sonic gestured the tiger and monkey. "Vector, meet Tony and...um...," Sonic trailed off. He then realized he never did get the monkey's name. He just kept calling him Boss like the author did. The aforementioned monkey and tiger walked over.

"The name is Sam. Just...Sam," the Monkey introduced. Tony then decided to speak.

"Yeah! He doesn't like his real name, which is _Samantha,_" Tony needlessly added. Sam raged.

"Dammit Tony! They don't need to know that! That's it. When this is over I'm sowing your anus closed," Same threatened.

Shadow, who was quietly rereading the same newspaper from the very beginning suddenly looked up with a very disturbed look on his face. "What?" Knuckles repeated it for him.

"He said he was gonna sow his an-"

"Don't repeat it!"

"We were hired to watch two kids, but if the pay increases, I'm willing to watch one more," Sam offered calmly. Vector leaned over to Sonic's ear.

"Big Blue, you sure about these guys," Vector asked with concern.

"First, only my bitches call me 'Big Blue'. Second, yeah. I think we can trust them. They seem like okay guys and were really honest with us earlier-and why are you scratching your crotch?" Vector, who was in the middle of said act, froze and suddenly put his hand behind his back.

"No reason."

"Right...So, what's it gonna be? We're willing to watch the bee for an extra fee," Sam explained.

"Hey, Boss that rhymed," Tony exclaimed excitedly.

"Are you sure? This guy is a bit of a handful," Vector warned.

"If you were going to warn the babysitter about him, why would you even consider hiring one," Sam asked.

"Cuz he's retarded," Charmy quipped.

"Boss, I like him, let's do the job," Tony spoke.

"It all depends if their willing to pay for a 3rd."

"Yeah, yeah. I get it. So how much did you pay these guys anyway Sonic?"

"I didn't pay them anything," Sonic answered seriously.

"What? Then how do you expect to-"

"I didn't pay them anything. Tails paid for himself."

"When?!" Tails had no idea what Sonic was talking about, but it made him feel as if he would have a little less money when he returned home.

"I stole some of Vanilla's money to pay for Cream. Dumb bitch shouldn't leave her purse laying around." Sonic's voice was monotone. He didn't act very heroic, did he?

"Alright, then what was the price to take care of them?"

"50 rings for a full body and 85 if ya want them alive. 100 rings if you want them to look like they did the day before," Tony the tiger answered. Everyone just stared at him with worried looks.

"Not that 'taking care of', ya idiot! He means babysittin'," Sam explained angrily.

"Oh."

"We accepted 18 rings, 9 for each kid. Adding the bee and it'll be 25."...What? That's what went through everyone's mind when Sam said that. The monkey raised an eyebrow wondering why everyone looked at him like he had grown a third head. (Why not a second?) Sam then face palmed. "(Sigh) I'm bad at math, okay. I meant 27."

"Right. 27 rings it is then," Vector agreed as he inexplicably summoned 27 gold power rings from the thin air behind him. It was not explained, noticed, questioned, or addressed how he did it, but he did. "Here ya go," Vector offered, dropping the rings in Sam's hand.

"Thanks, we'll definitely watch the kids. We'll protect them with our lives," Sam assured dramatically.

"Rrrrrright. Well, thanks," Vector thanked as he offered his hand to seal the deal with Sam. However, the gangster/hit-man/assassin/babysitter monkey brought his hand up, but paused as he looked down at Vector's hand cautiously.

* * *

><p><strong>Several Moments Ago~<strong>

_"First, only my bitches call me 'Big Blue'. Second, yeah. I think we can trust them. They seem like okay guys and were really honest with us earlier-and why are you scratching your crotch?" Vector, who was in the middle of said act, froze and suddenly put his hand behind his back._

_"No reason."_

* * *

><p>"Nah, you good," Sam dismissed, his hands slipping back into the safety of his trench coat. Vector frowned but didn't make a big deal of it. Charmy, took this moment to formally introduce himself.<p>

"Hi there! I'm Charmy Bee! Ace Detective of the Chaotix Detection Agency!"

"Geez, it's like he has an exclamation point at the end of all his sentences," Tony whispered. Sam ignored him and offered his hand to the little bee.

"Nice to meet ya, kid. The name's Sam. This big oompa-loompa here is Tony," Sam said, gesturing the tiger. "He just calls me Boss." Charmy's eyes lit up.

"Cool~Can I call you Boss too?!" Charmy's voice had picked up a few levels and had actually made Sam flinch, but he regained himself.

"Sure."

"You're the best." Charmy then turned to Tony.

"And Tony the Tiger, Yoooooouuu'rrrree GREAT!" Knuckles, who had a severe lack of lines and was slowing becoming 'background character A', had stopped doing things that would normally be impossible for someone with his hands and looked at Charmy. He got the joke immediately.

"HHAHAAHAHAAA! That's funny! Like the cereal!? That's freakin' hilarious!"

"Well, anyway~...I'm so glad we finally got someone who could watch these guys while the grown ups were out. It's nice to know there are some normal people out there," Sonic said. Shadow had hoped out of the chaise he was lying in.

"So, can we finally return to the HQ? From what I remember, the party starts at 8 tonight and we need to start setting things up," Shadow reminded.

"Oh don't worry, Shadow. Everything will be okay. We'll definitely save the world," Sonic answered.

"What?"

"Like I said don't worry."

"He's right, Sonic. We should really get back," Knuckles convinced. "Remember, not all of us have our own place to call home and live at the HQ...and I think you left the doors locked when we came over here."

"I'm pretty sure someone will let the others in," Sonic assured.

"No one else was in the building when we left," Tails informed. "And you, me, and Knuckles are the only ones with keys to that place.

"Oh."

* * *

><p>Silver the hedgehog was standing outside of the Sonic Heroes HQ, shivering. He didn't understand why it had gotten so cold, but it did. He never had a home in the future and was mooching off of the heroes for a place to stay. He wasn't the only one, either. He turned and saw Blaze standing behind him with her arms crossed over her chest. Amy was tying to pick the lock to the front door. Espio was scaling the walls to find an open window. He didn't. Jumping down, the chameleon walked over to Silver. He was cold from the evening air. He shook his head, telling Silver he couldn't find a way it.<p>

"Where the hell are they?!"

"I hate it here!"

* * *

><p>"Well, then," Sonic began. "I guess we should really get goin'." Shadow got up from the wooden rocking chair he was in-<p>

"Wasn't I sitting there first," Knuckles asked with confusion. Shadow headed for the front door.

"Sonic, I'm going to begin setting things up. I'd _really hate _to be the only to do it, so please don't take all day getting there. Alright?"

"Don't worry, Shads, I'll definitely-"

"I'm sorry, wait. Did you just call me 'Shads'?" The smile on Sonic's face fell.

"Yeah...I did. The hell? Since when do I ever call you 'Shads'?"

"Okay, okay. Guys, let's not make a big deal outta it. We got things to do," Knuckles urged.

"Knux is right, we gotta-"

"What the hell did you just call me," Knuckles asked in a threatening tone.

"He did it again," Shadow accused.

"Stop it, Sonic!"

"For Chaos's sake, FIND THE COMPUTER ROOM!" Everyone stared at Vector. The Crocodile was scratching himself yet again when he noticed everyone looking at him.

"Vex, you should-"

"Sonic! Stop with these nicknames!"

"Shadow! Stop interrupting me!" Sam looked at his partner and the other looked back at him.

"We've really got a couple of costumers this time, eh Tony."

"Yeah, Boss, who is awesome and sexy and better than me in every way," Tony agreed nervously.

"Thanks for the compliments, Tony," Sam said, giving the tiger a small smile.

"No problem, Boss. I-"

"I'm still going to sow your anus closed," the monkey added with a sadistic grin.

"Aw."

* * *

><p>Tails was sitting on top of the Rabbits' house. He was told that Vanilla wasn't even coming home, but was going straight out with some of her own friends. Tails didn't really care. Shadow and Knuckles had already Chaos Controlled to the HQ, and Vector and Sonic were still there. It had gotten darker outside. It was just about night. Tails heard the front door open and looked down to see who it was. He saw Vector walking out with Charmy behind him. Vector turned on his heels.<p>

"Alright, Charmy, I'm leavin' you 15 rings. Do what ever you want wit'em. Just obey the babysitters and be good," Vector instructed, handing Charmy the rings. The bee stared at his handful of rings before looking back up at Vector, with a bit of a sad look.

"Are you sure I can't come with you," Charmy asked.

"Sonic's rules. Sorry."

"Well, Sonic sucks!"

"Now don't get mad at him. We'll be doing things that could taint your precious mind," Vector explained.

"Vector. You once sang and entire song dedicated to explaining why the internet is only for porn. You even showed me why," Charmy countered. Vector scratched the back of his head sheepishly.

"Yeah, but, we'll be doin' even worse stuff," Vector told him. Charmy's eyes widened.

"It gets _worse_?"

"Yep, this party will scar you for life. You'll never be able to erase what you see from your mind if you go to this party," Vector lied.

"That sounds...AWESOME!" Vector frowned.

"You can't come, Charmy."

"Aw." Tails chuckled to himself. That conversation reminded him of the one he had with Sonic. Tails watched as Vector walked on ahead, making his way down the road to the impossible-to-miss Sonic Heroes HQ building. Tails sighed. He wanted to go to the party too, but being one of the younger kids, he couldn't. It sucked really, but who was he to defy Sonic and his 4th wall breaking abilities.

"You okay, bud?" Tails jumped from the sound of Sonic's voice coming from behind him. Sonic walked up beside him and looked down at the fox.

"Yeah, I'm cool."

"Sorry you can't come, bro."

"You say that like you wish you could do something about it. Oh wait- you can!" Sonic flinched. "I'm over it, Sonic, but still, the least you could have done is let me roam around by myself for a while. After all, I'm one of the strongest members of this team," Tails explained.

"Yeah, but there are laws against leaving children unsupervised."

"You shit on the law 24/7, why is now any different?"

"Because the plot demands it," Sonic tried to explain.

"This story has no plot! Just these small little mini-stories. I hear the author is thinking up another one as we speak."

"That he is, Tails, but we shouldn't know about it for a while. Anyway, I've got to get goin' little bro."

"Yeah, I know."

"Trust me, I'm sure you'll find a way to entertain yourself," Sonic reassured.

"I just hope HQ isn't destroyed when I get home."

"I can't make any promises," Sonic teased. He back-flipped off of the roof and landed on the ground below. He looked up at Tails and flashed him his famous, trolling grin. "See ya, Tails."

"Bye-

**_Foosh!_**

"-Sonic." The fox sighed. He couldn't help but think the rest of the night was gonna suck. Why were they having the party again? Someone's birthday. It had been so long since the announcement he stopped caring anyway. He didn't even get to ask Sonic an awkward question.

"Hey, Tails!" The fox turned to see Charmy walking onto the roof from a door on a balcony. _"So that's how Sonic got up here," _Tails thought to himself.

"What is it Charmy?"

"We're all gonna play Monopoly! Get your two-tailed ass down here!" And then he left. Tails facepalmed.

"...Dammit all..."

* * *

><p><strong>Hey, guys. I hope you enjoyed that chapter.<strong>


	9. You've Got This, Sonic!

_****_**Sorry for taking so long, lots of complicated problems I know you guys don't care about. Anyway, enjoy this chapter please!**

_**You've Got This, Sonic!**_

Sonic had returned to the Sonic Heroes HQ, but just to be a dick, he teleported inside of the building using Chaos Control. The others who were still waiting outside looked pissed. Sonic had walked into the kitchen of the building that was on the first floor, grabbed an apple, and left the room munching happily. He walked pass the front door, flinching from the banging and curse words that sounded from behind the wooden door.

"You should do something about that," a voice said behind him. Sonic jumped and nearly choked on his apple when he saw Shadow standing behind him. The black hedgehog was holding a few packages of sodas.

"Nah, I think I should just let them stay out there for a little while."

"Sonic, for some inexplicable reason, the temperature dropped to 16 degrees."

"Celsius or Fahrenheit?"

"Fahrenheit." Sonic stared at Shadow.

"Well, that's cold."

* * *

><p><strong>Outside the HQ!<strong>

"Whose bright idea was it to move in with Sonic anyway," Silver bitched, his breath visible, his body shaking.

"I don't know, but it's so cold my nipples are showing," Rouge complained.

"You nipples are always showing! Espio, haven't you found a way in yet," Silver asked. Looking at the Chameleon, Silver frowned when he saw that the poor guy was frozen in a cartoony-style block of ice. "Well, God dammit!"

"Sucks to be you guys," Blaze taunted, her body glowing with heat. Silver gave her the stink eye only for more flames to envelop her body. The weed-headed hedgehog could almost swear he saw Blaze made a trollface.

* * *

><p>"Well, they'll be fine. I mean, we go through all of these different ice levels in our gam- I mean- adventures, we should be use to this by now, right?"<p>

"I don't really care. I'm more surprised at the fact that they haven't realized that with their robot breaking strength, they could have easily broken in by now"

"Well, let's be glad the author gave everyone but us below average intelligence," Sonic joked.

"What do you mean 'us'?"

"...Fuck you..."

* * *

><p>Tails sighed. Again. For the 7th time. In that minute. Charmy...he wasn't even naive or just childish, he-he...HE WAS JUST A <strong>FUCKING <strong>MORON! _"Just a quick game of monopoly? Yeah fucking right. There's nothing quick about this game," _Tails thought bitterly to himself. He could only wonder how Charmy helped them save the world before.

"So, when do you king me?"

"Charmy, we aren't playing checkers, we're playing Monopoly, you don't get king'd." Tails could hear the irritation in Sam's voice.

"But I do get to kill all your pieces, right?"

"No, Charmy. This game doesn't require take others' pieces," Sam explained.

"Oh, it's about who has the higher score, right?"

"Honestly, we've been playing for half an hour now and you still don't get the rules?" That was from Tails.

"Of course I do! It's easy to understand!...Is it my turn yet?"

"Nope, I still gotta go!" This was from Tony. The tiger didn't see anything wrong with Charmy at all. They almost shared a brain. The tiger rolled the dice and got an 8. He moved his piece, the sac of cash, up until he got to a 'Chance' space. "Go directly to jail? Aw..."

"HA! HA! You suck at this game! My turn!" The bee snatched the dice and rolled a 1...Wait, what?

"Yep, he's that stupid," Tails muttered. Charmy moved his boat up one space and landed on unoccupied property.

"I wanna buy it!"

"Now, Charmy, even I see you don't have the money for-"

"I wanna buy it!"

"But you can't afford-"

"I wanna buy it!"

"Just give it to him Sam. He won't learn," Tails pushed. He just wanted to go. The monkey turned to Tails.

"One does not simply give up property, Tails," he warned.

"Yeah, but this idiot doesn't get that." Sam pulled a gun from his coat.

"ONE. Does not. _Simply. _Give up. _Property. Tails._" His tone sounded menacing and Tails didn't know what to do.

"Okay okay. Charmy, you can't have Boardwalk," Tails told him.

"But...But..."

"Instead-" Tails pulled out a giant lollipop from no where. "-you can have this!"

"I want it!"

"Take it," Tails waved off, nearly losing his arm when Charmy snatched the candy from him. "Cream, your turn." She rolled two 3's. She moved her piece, the car, up 6 space. "Double. Roll again, Cream."

"I know. I know," the rabbit assured as she took the dice for a second time. She rolled...and got another pair of 3's for a total of 6. Everyone glance at her. "What," she asked innocently and moved another 6 spaces. She took the dice for her last time and rolled again.

"Seriously," Sam said when he saw what she got. Another pair of 3's. Three 6's. Everything grew silent as everyone just stared at her. At that point, Tails who was sitting the closest to her, scooted away from.

"Oh, come on. It was just a coincidence," the rabbit tried to defend.

"Coincidence or not, my dear, you still have to go to jail for rolling 3 doubles," Sam reminded. Cream would have done just that...Until Charmy...

"BEEP BEEP! Titanic Attack! BOOM CRASH!" Charmy started smashing his piece around, knocking around the cards and the pieces. He placed his on the board on the go sign, crossed his arms, and said, "Checkmate, bitches."

Tails took a deep breath...before he snapped and tossed the board screaming, "I quit!"

* * *

><p><strong>For no reason, we're going to switch scenes to the Babylon Rogues' Airship.<strong>

Jet the Hawk was waiting outside of the bathroom, annoyed. "C'mon, Wave! Sonic has invited me to this party and I must be there so I can race him!" The swallow ignored him and continue to sing whatever the hell she was singing. Jet sighed and walked towards Storm's room.

"Hey, Storm are you read..." Jet stopped when he saw the grey Albatross in front of a mirror. Storm turned around and gave Jet a furious look. He had lipstick smeared all over the left side of his face and mascara in all the wrong places. "Storm. What the-"

"I'M PRETTY!"

* * *

><p>"Shadow! Holy shit Ass CHEESEBURGERS! Have you seen my turntables?! I can't be a horrible DJ without them!"<p>

"No, I've not seen them," Shadow answered, still cleaning the area. "Knuckles, have supplied the beers?"

"Fuck you, man! I know yer after my emeralds!" Knuckles stumbled away from the fridge and walked over to Shadow. The Ultimate BlahBlah spotted an empty bottle in the Echidna's hands.

"Oh dear."

"Shadow! How am I supposed to entertain everyone," Sonic cried, freaking out. Shadow turned to him with a serious look.

"Don't worry...You've got this, Sonic!"

"Okay...How did Knuckles get in here?"

"Tougher than leather, motherfucker," Knuckles screamed, ripping the fridge door off other hinges.

"I brought him in when I teleported. Vector's here too, but he's not helping."

"Sonic! There's a spider in the bathroom on the second floor," Vector cried, bursting into...Wait. What room are they in? Oh, yeah, the kitchen.

"Well, kill it, I'm busy."

"But it's a Mobian spider." Everyone gasped.

"I guess I gotta be the one to kill it, huh?"

"You've got this, Sonic!"

"You already said that!"

Vector had lead Sonic to the bathroom he had encountered the spider. Before the opened the bathroom door, sounds of grunting came from behind it.

"C'mon! C'mon! Get out of there ya little wanka!" Sonic and Vector exchanged glances before Sonic opened the door. "EY! I'm using the thunderbox righ' now! Ain't you ever heard of a knock?" There was a black spider on the toilet. His icy-blue eyes caught Sonic's attention first. Sonic also noticed that this spider had three pairs of arms and one pair of legs. He was wearing a purple neckerchief.

"Look buddy, I don't know who you are and I frankly don't give a damn, but I'm about to supersonic kick the shit out of you," Sonic threatened.

"If ya gonna kick the shit outta meh, do it soon before I bust a blood vessel mate!" The spider continued to grunt and shake violently.

**_Platoosh~_**

"Oh! It's comin' out, it's comin' out," the spider chanted!

"This is disgusting," Vector whispered.

_**Twert. Platoosh Platoosh.**_

"Oh, like you don't do any worse," Sonic accused. If Vector made a protest, Sonic didn't hear it because he set his focus back on the spider. Sonic began approaching him.

"Ey homie! Don't be trynna bust a move, dude," the spider said, noticing Sonic. The spider's accent seemed to change every time he spoke. "Oh, here comes the big oooooooonnnnnneeee~!"

* * *

><p>"Now, Knuckles, while I respect your strength and commitment to your duty, I won't lose any sleep if I kill you," Shadow threatened.<p>

"UNLIKE SONIC, I DON'T CHUCKLE," Knuckles declared as he tossed the couch at Shadow. The black hedgehog dodged at charged at Knuckles. The echidna punched at Shadow. Shadow dodged it and kicked Knuckles had enough to send him into the wall. The drunk echidna stood up enraged now. He charged Shadow and rammed him into the wall. Knuckles then followed up with a body slam that would crack a tree in half.

"You fucker," Shadow breathed out, kicking Knuckles off of him. Shadow decided that he had enough and rolled to his feet. When the drunk red head attacked again, Shadow prepared himself. "Knuckles, prepare yourself for my greatest attack."

"FUCK YOUUUU," Knuckles yelled, throwing a punch. Shadow sighed.

"This is the ultimate-" In a flash, Knuckles was pinned down hard to the point where his own crotch was in his face and he was unconscious. Shadow stood up from Knuckles and sighed. "Way more trouble than you're worth sometimes."

**_BOOM! SPLASH! _**

**_"Oh my god, it smells!"_**

**_"POO EVERYWHERE!_**

**_"HAHAHA! And that's the power of my mama's cookin'!_**

The miserable black hedgehog looked at the ceiling from where the sounds were coming from. "Now what," he groaned. Shadow made his way upstairs, but as he got high, the smell of feces was filling his nostrils. _"What the-actual-fuck is the smell," _Shadow thought to himself. When he got to the second floor hall, he saw Sonic and Vector both with panicked looks on their face. Quickly making his way over to them, he asked, "What happened and what's that smell?" Sonic only pointed into the bathroom. Shadow looked and his red eye widened. He saw a spider covered in...mess. Just mess. It was all over the walls, it was in the tub, smeared on the mirrors, it rolled along on the floors, it got on the sink, it even got on the ceiling. However, the most amazing was that none of it actually got in the toilet.

"I guess you could say that I'm in some deep shit, huh," the spider asked/joked. Had the situation been different, Sonic would have laughed but now...

"You...You...YOU!" Sonic's growl was inhuman. Though, being a hedgehog, that's a given. The normal happy light in Sonic's eyes was replaced with rage and even despair. Shadow only made things worse with the following sentence before walking away...

**"You've got this, Sonic!"**

* * *

><p><strong>Sorry for not updating for a while. My computer was stolen. Right now I'm using one of my brother's computers to write this. Please, review.<strong>


	10. Chapter 10: Because I'm Unimaginative

_Shadow's Thoughts..._

_Things had gone sour...like sour milk; it started off decent enough, until it all turn to shit. Things went to shit, didn't they? Sonic...I feel for the hedgehog. The stuff he deals with...And I wonder why he smiles all the time. He should be just as grumpy as me...Wait, I'm not that bad, am I? Irrelevant...What matters is that I witnessed Sonic committing murder today...It was shocking. Don't get me wrong! The blue hedgehog was more than justified for killing that Mobian spider...but...Sonic doesn't kill. I've killed, Rouge has killed, Knuckles has killed, Espio has killed, Vector has killed, Blaze has killed...HELL, even that little pink annoyance has killed someone, but as far as I knew, Sonic had never taken another life before...As far as I knew anyway...However, he only caused even MORE mess than what was there! That spider's...can I call it feces? No, it's just utter filth...SHIT! That-that shit was everywhere! And now, we ladies and gentlemen have the pleasure of seeing mounds of it mixed with blood. Sonic asked me and Vector to clean the mess while he took care of the body. I didn't argue. I couldn't. I knew I'd only start a fight. Sonic said he wanted to push back the party again...We may as well cancel it, but hey, the author's birthday is approaching...again. _

* * *

><p>Shadow, after using as many different kinds of disinfectants as he could, finally exited the bathroom with Vector already on the outside, breathing in the "fresh air." Shadow knew better. They air in that hallway will never be fresh again.<p>

"So, we're all done," Vector asked Shadow removing the yellow cleaning gloves he'd been wearing. Shadow only glanced up to him and nodded. He was glad they were finished. It had only taken several hours. Shadow and Vector had both walked down the stairs into the main living room and they both took seats on the couch. Shadow sighed...He wanted to go home, but Sonic had asked that he waited until he returned. Knuckles had sobered up rather quickly, probably because he could sense that playtime was over. Vector just read a magazine and wait. They just waited...

* * *

><p><em>Sonic's Thoughts...<em>

_I feel sick...I hate this day so much. This week has just been...annoying as hell. Now, I've got a dead body in the trunk of my car. I gotta be careful about that. Can't let the others know what happened today. I didn't think I'd get so mad as to kill again. Not since...Dark me...But dammit! Just FUCKING DAMMIT! I lost my shit! I don't know where all this built up stress had come from, but twisting that spider's neck felt good. Really good, actually. Like with every pop his bones made, another problem of my just flowed away. I can't believe those assholes were still outside. They had the nerve to chew me out about locking them out. It wasn't that cold! I could have killed Silver they way he walked up to me...But that would only add to the body count...164 people are enough on my conscience. But hey, at least I unlocked the door for them in the end, right?_

* * *

><p>"Back off, Silver. I'm not in the mood for this," Sonic warned. Silver, however, wouldn't he was furious, not just because of the cold, but because of the way the others treated him overall. He could take a lot of shit, but for reason, Silver felt as though he <em>needed <em>to let Sonic have it!

"Now, you listen here! I'm sick of that selfish attitude of yours! We've been out here freezing for hours while you and those other jerks dicked around inside!"

"We were trying to set up the party! You know, the one I _invited you_ to," Sonic bit back.

"Hey, guess what? I LIVE HERE TOO! You couldn't exclude me from a party at my own house even if you wanted too!" Sonic stared at Silver for a moment and smirked. Then he frowned.

"Well, look at who decided to wear their 'Big-Boy Pants' today! Do you want to feel important, Silver, huh? Well, guess what? You're not. You're just as bad as Shadow. God no, YOU'RE WORSE! All you do is constantly bitch and moan about how your world is so terrible and how you have to save it. But you don't save it! You just prattle on about moral bullshit for hours while shoving your load onto others and having them clean up your shit. Then, when you actually find the balls to do something, you just fuck it some more. You know why that plumber beat us at the last Olympics? Because, YOU'RE TOO SLOW! You're have psychic powers, you live with heroes, you're best friend is smokin' hot cat who's probably more than willing, you're one of the few characters to actually have a super form, you were even a main character in one of MY games, and yet YOU'RE STILL A LOSER! And you know what? While you can claim that abomination, 'Sonic 06' all you want, just remember: that game did itself a favor by _writing itself out of the continuity, _so it basically never happened. So by extension, you've never been important, ANYWHERE! Yeah, I have an ego, but when I span a series for more than 20 years, I FUCKING HAVE THE RIGHT TO! But you? Stop trying so damn hard to be somebody, alright? Because guess what, Silver: IT'S NO USE!"

All was silent. Silver just stared at Sonic wide-eyed for several seconds. Sonic was waiting for a response, and when he didn't get one. Sonic gave Silver a simple, "See ya" before heading back towards his car. He'd forgotten to unlock the doors for his friends waiting outside. Sonic had snuck outside of the back door and went into their garage so he wouldn't get caught. After having started the engine to his "Speed Star" and drove in front of the large home where the others were still standing in shock.

"The party's fucking cancelled." With that Sonic drove off.

* * *

><p>Knuckles approached Shadow and Vector and sat by them. Shadow was calmly lounging on the couch while Vector continued to read his magazine. When Vector noticed Knuckles, he snicked.<p>

"What," Knuckles asked.

"Dude, you were so wasted. It was almost scary."

"Yeah, right."

"Knuckles, remind me to keep you away from all forms of alcohol," Shadow said.

"Oh, c'mon. I wasn't that bad!"

"Knuckles, I'm seriously considering what's worse: You drunk off your ass, or Rouge on her period." Shadow was dead serious. More serious than the "Shadow the Hedgehog" game. That was some serious shit!

"And let's not even get started on how Espio acts when he's watching Naruto," Vector threw in. Suddenly, a shuriken landed mere inches from Vector's crotch. The crocodile jumped several feet into the air and screeched like a little girl.

"You bastard! You said you'd never speak of that again!" The 3 occupants quickly turned to see Espio, Blaze, Rouge, and a really depressed-looking Silver walking into the room. Shadow looked completely uninterested.

"Oh. It's you guys. Finally, got in, huh?"

"Yeah, finally. Sonic was nice enough to unlock the door for us. Just about around the same time he was mean enough to rant at Silver," Blaze explained. Shadow turned to the aforementioned hedgehog and shrugged.

"What did Sonic tell him," Shadow asked, not the least bit concerned about reopening fresh wounds.

"That he's not important."

"So, nothing we don't already believe," Shadow half-asked, half- insulted.

"Shadow," Rouge hissed.

"What? We all think it. Silver's like that extra child you didn't expect to have. You know, the one that was the result of picking up too many women on your clubbing nights."

"Dude, you have that problem too," Knuckles asked, bewildered.

"Shadow, you're such a jerk, sometimes!"

"Only 'sometimes'? I guess I'm not trying hard enough," Shadow muttered to himself.

"Well~," Silver began loud enough to catch everyone's attention. "I'm just gonna go...be by myself for a while. Okay..."

"Whatever you say, Silver. Just remember, suicide is not the answer," Shadow advised. "But know that if you do commit suicide, we won't care."

"Shadow that's enough," Blaze demanded. Shadow just shrugged. He didn't care.

* * *

><p>"There...It's done." Sonic had buried the body of the Mobian spider he had killed. It was another one. Sonic sighed, "Just another day, huh?" He jumped back into his Speed Star and restarted the engine. "Guess, I gotta pick up go pick up the kids," Sonic whispered, already speeding down the road. He looked back at the hill he buried his latest victim at. A large hill that always seemed to be under the clouds in an endless twilight. The hill that had a very "grey" look to it. The hill where a few small mounds of dirt lay, indicating that those spots had been dug up at some point. The hill that, as far as Sonic was concerned, didn't exist. He had been there before.<p>

* * *

><p>"Now listen, kid, I understand you're upset. I understand that the bee really pushed it this time. I understand that this night had been one monotonous headache after another. I know this, but I don't think that justifies what you're doing." Tails was clinging to the ceiling with Charmy in his hands, by his wings. Tails was shaking and twitching with bloodshot eyes and a knife held in his tails. Sam and his partner Tony had tried to reason with Tails several times now not to hurt the bee, and they felt that their efforts were about to be unsuccessful. "Put him down," Sam ordered calmly. Tails hissed at him.<p>

"Never! H-He must die! Th-this...DEMON! Demon of madness! Demon of the purest forms of-of...unlogic!"

"Was that even English?"

"I'll kill him! I swear! I'll do it," Tails threatened. Sam sighed. He wasn't a fan of Charmy's existence either, but he couldn't let him die; Sonic had already paid him. He was prepared to pull out his gun and wound Tails to get him to stop, but he didn't know how he felt about firing on children. Tony was in a panic. He was holding onto Cream's body for dear life, somehow terrified of the crazy fox. "There's only so much I can take, AND I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE!" Tails prepared to stab Charmy with the knife when suddenly the door opened. Tails' head darted to it and he let out tears of happiness when he saw that it was none other than Sonic. He dropped Charmy in an instant.

"What the hell's going on," Sonic asked, bewildered. He was suddenly tackled into a bear hug (fox hug?) by Tails.

"You're back! You came back for me, right? You knew you couldn't leave me here with..._that_," he said gesturing to Charmy.

"No...The party was just canceled," Sonic corrected. Tails' smile dropped.

"Why?"

"Because I had a really long and hard day," Sonic answered.

"Couldn't have been any worse than mine," Tails compared. Sonic shrugged. Honestly, he just wanted to go home an rest.

"Excuse me, Sonic. Would this be the end of our services," Sam asked. Sonic nodded.

"Thanks a lot, guys. I appreciate it," Sonic thanked. Sam and Tony had already began leaving the house. Tony turned and smiled.

"It's no problem. Just call if you need anything else. We're most likely not be busy during the day. At night we're usually _taking care _of some guys and finding the right garbage bags to put them in and-"

**_BITCHSLAP!_**

"Dammit, Tony. No one told you to tell them that! Keep fucking up and I'll rip off your nails one at a time," Sam threatened. The tiger flinched. Sonic closed the door after them and sighed.

"Really nice guys, huh? Hey Cream, we're all heading to our place. You might as well come with us, since there's no one here to watch you. Actually, where is your mom anyway?"

* * *

><p>A woman of a rabbit in a black, shiny, leather suit slipped past the security lasers and carefully plucked the Chaos Emerald from its opened, glass container. "Who'd actually put one of the 7 most powerful objects in existence in a museum? It's like they're begging me to take it!"<p>

Vanilla smoothly made her way to the end of the room and reentered the vents she had came in from. She sighed, however. Once again, she'd have to struggle slightly to get her wider, curvy hips into the narrow paths. Curse her sexiness. Crawling through, Vanilla blessed her luck that the museum's air conditioners and heaters was shut down at closing time. It wasn't too cold nor too hot. Just pleasant...Like her. The vents eventually led her to the roof where she left her heavy equipment behind. Replacing the cover for the vent, and then remembering to wipe it clean for finger prints, Vanilla gave her self a mental pat on the back and wiped her brow with a job well done, pleasantly.

"Well, it wasn't easy but I got it. The Yellow Chaos Emerald. And you only make the first, my pretty," Vanilla whispered, eyeing the emerald closely. She grabbed the rest of her equipment and quickly began jumping from roof to roof. "I'll have to return this equipment to Tails before he notices it's gone." Dropping down into a random alley, Vanilla suddenly began giggling. Thinking about having to sneak around in Tails' room the first time made her laugh, as she remembered all of the porn magazines she had found. Oh, it was a pleasant day indeed. She wondered how was her baby doing?

* * *

><p><em>Awkward Questions with Tails!<em>

Sonic was resting in a blue, cushioned chair when Tails approached him. Sonic smiled at the arrival of his little buddy.

"Sonic can I ask you a question?" Sonic frowned, but signed and dropped it.

"You'll ask me if I say no, regardless."

"I was going through my browsers history on my computer and I found some really weird sites...Sites on how to properly hide a body and a site dedicating to teaching the proper ways of rape...You know how any of that got there," Tails asked. Sonic was just as shocked as the fox was, but for a different reason.

"How the hell should I know?" Sonic was sweating, though the rape thing really did through him off. He honestly couldn't claim that one.

"So you don't know?" Tails was skeptical.

"I don't know." Sonic had regained his calm.

"Um...Are you sure? Because, I think-"

"Dammit, Tails! I said I don't know! You wanna end up like that spider?!" Tails had wanted to ask what spider, but decided it would be best not to ask.

"Sorry. I'll just delete my history and forget about it. Sorry to bother you." Tails turned to walk away, wary of Sonic.

"Just prepare your anus," Sonic muttered.

"What was that?"

"Nothing, Tails. Just take off at the speed of sound and keep on running. Just keep on running."

* * *

><p><strong>Feels good to crack out another one of this things, ya know? Review and take it easy. <strong>


	11. You've Got Balls, Kid Balls

**11 Chapters? Shit...God Damn! I didn't think I'd make it this far! Well, my pretties, let's move on to the show...I'm feeling ****_frisky _****tonight!**

* * *

><p><strong><em>You've Got Balls, Kid. Balls.<em>**

"For today, I say we round up a couple of friends for an explosive game of 'Dare'!" Team Sonic, plus Shadow and Silver were currently in the second floor kitchen of their base, sharing a cake with their leader.

"Just...'Dare', Sonic? Not the 'Truth'," Tails asked. Sonic turned his head a full 360 degrees and and frowned at Tails.

"The truth...YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!" Sonic's neck was still possibly injured from the 1st chapter.

"Really, Sonic? How old are you, 5," Knuckles asked. Sonic turned to the echidna.

"Sure, but your mom thought I was 25 with the way we did it last night," Sonic returned, cracking his neck back in place. Knuckles's mouth dropped.

"My mom's _dead!" _

"And just who do you think killed her," Shadow muttered, taking another bite of his piece of cake.

"I think a game of Dare would be fun, but with some really batshit insane stunts," Silver offered. Sonic smiled.

"See? Even Silver agrees with me," Sonic shouted, not catching the glare Silver shot at him.

"If it's a chance of humiliating others, then I'm in. However, we'll need some strict rules about anyone who tries to cower out of their dares," Shadow explained. Sonic nodded.

"You're right, and I've got just the perfect idea. Knuckles," Sonic called. The echidna turned to him, acknowledging the call. "We'll have you punch anyone who doesn't do their dares. That sound cool to you," Sonic asked, with a wink that made Shadow seriously question Sonic's sexuality.

"Oh, Sonic, that sounds wonderful! I can't wait~!" Knuckles then glanced at Tails and smiled.

"Why...are you looking at me like that, Knuckles," Tails asked. Knuckles just cracked his...um...knuckles and chuckled.

"Gonna tear dat ass up!"

* * *

><p>About 30 minutes had past and now the kitchen was an utter Sausage Fest. Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, Silver, and Shadow were of course in the mix along with Vector, Espio, Charmy, and even Jet the Hawk and his good friend Storm.<p>

"Rules are simple, the person that spends the bottle gets to choose the dare for the person the bottle lands on. Once the dare is complete, the victim then gets to spin the bottle and the same rules apply," Sonic explained.

"And what if the victim refuses the dare," Espio asked.

"I GET TO FUCK THAT BITCH!" Everyone turned to Knuckles who had an excited grin on his face until he realized everyone was staring, "I mean, I get to punch them...hard," he corrected.

"But what if Knuckles doesn't do it himself," Shadow asked. "I can shoot him."

"Um, No. We'll have one of our other powerhouses, Storm or Vector do it. If anyone refuses a dare, one of those three will fist you," Sonic explained.

"What," Tails asked, frightened.

"Cool," Storm bellowed.

"That's fine," Vector accepted.

"This is gonna be awesome," Charmy cried.

"So let's get started already," Jet blurted.

"I really like the author's attempt to give everyone lines, one after the other," Silver addressed. Suddenly, a brick flew through the window collided with his head. After recovering from the pain, Silver examined the brick to see words drawn on it in chalk: **YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!**

"Since it's my party, I'll spin it first," Sonic said. No one cared to disagree and only watched carefully as Sonic spun the bottle. At watching it spin, some of the players got nervous, wondering what sick thing Sonic would have them do if they were unlucky enough to have the bottle land on them. As the spin speed decreased, it began to point towards Shadow. In response, he glared at it and the bottle quickly spun another 180 degrees, turning to Silver.

"Bullshit," Silver cried.

"Nah, it landed on you! It's your turn," Sonic argued with a grin. Silver wasn't happy, but the last thing he wanted was to let Knuckles, Storm, or Vector punch him.

"Whatever, Sonic, say the dare."

"Sure, but um...Hey, is Blaze here right now," Sonic asked, seemingly changing the subject.

"I think she's using the room you let her have while she stays in this dimension," Shadow answered.

"Perfect! Silver, go into Blaze's room and still a pair of her underwear," Sonic smiled. It wasn't the daring factor of stealing a woman's pair of panties Sonic wanted; it was specifically because it was Blaze, that Sonic wanted it done.

"Well, that escalated quickly," Shadow muttered.

"No way am I doing that! She'll roast my dick off!"

"Assuming you have one," Shadow murmured, causing Tails and Jet to snicker. The two of them were closest to Shadow on either sides.

"You could always let me punch the shit outta ya," Knuckles offered.

"Oh, oh! Pick me, Silver! Let me punch you," Storm cried.

"No! No one's punching me!...I'll do it," Silver growled. Silver got up from the table and began heading up the stairs with Sonic, Jet, and Vector following him. The other remained at the table.

Silver would be lying if he said he wasn't nervous...But he made his way to Blaze's door anyway. He knocked...and the door opened. Blaze opened the door and smiled at the sight of her friend, though it was replaced with a look of curiosity when she noticed the others.

"What is it, Silver? Do you need something," she asked.

"Oh, hi Blaze. Well...um, you see. I just wanted to come and say 'Hi' just to see how you were and-"

"Sometime today, Silver," Sonic blurted.

"Get on with it," Jet, that impatient prick, rushed. Silver sighed.

"Sorry, but-" Silver immediately muffed Blaze out of his way and pushed her to the ground. He then bolted toward her dresser and opened what he assumed to be the underwear drawer. He was right! The first thing that went through his head was the word 'Colorful'.

"Silver! What the fuck," Blaze yelled. The cat quickly found her way to her feet and charged Silver. The hedgehog quickly administered his Psycho powers and held her in place. Grabbing a the first thing he could get his hands on, a cherry-red colored thong, Silver bolted.

"Move, bitch," Silver squealed as he tried to push past his so-called friends. They were laughing their asses off, and quickly followed Silver back down to the others.

They had just made it back to the kitchen table when Charmy was beating Tails in a game of Rock-Paper-Scissors.

"Fuck," Tails cursed, while Charmy cheered. He brightened up however, when he noticed the others had come back.

"Did you get'em," Knuckles asked.

Silver held the thong up proudly. "You know I did...And I'm so dead, by the way." Just as he said that, the room temperature rose tremendously. The digital thermostat near the fridge had stopped counting up numbers and simply said the word "**DAMN**". Blaze rushed into the room, already covered with flames.

"Silver, you pervert! Where's my underwear, you fuck?!" Shadow was quick to act. He summoned his Green Chaos Emerald from his body.

"Chaos Control," he chanted as pitched the Emerald to Blaze. When it hit her, it glowed and sparked with Chaos Energy.

"What the- Shadow what did you-" _**BLIP.** _In a quick flash, Blaze was gone.

"Shadow what did you do," Sonic asked.

"Isn't it obvious? I teleported her somewhere else," Shadow explained.

"Thanks for the save, Shadow, but won't she just be able to come back since you teleported the Emerald with her," Silver asked.

"Nope...You see, that was Chaos Emerald and those don't work for Blaze that well."

* * *

><p>Blaze was on some deserted island that was about to be attacked by a hurricane. "I hope this works! Um...Chaos Control?" The Emerald glowed with power and shocked Blaze painfully until she blacked out for a mere moment. When she regained herself, she found herself at the peak of some frozen mountain. "Oh...Dammit..."<p>

* * *

><p>"Now can we get on with the game," Shadow asked.<p>

"Definitely! It's my turn, now," Silver exclaimed.

"Silver, no using your power," Sonic warned.

"Oh, please, I'm not a cheater." At that, everyone gave him an accusing look. "Okay- One time, one time at the Olympic games, but that was it, alright? Just drop it. It helped us score an extra point for our side, right? So get over it!" Silver grabbed the bottle and spun it with all of his might. Of course, it was a bit too much, as the bottle spun right off of the table and shattered.

"Fucking...moron," Shadow growled.

"You're cleaning that shit up," Sonic demanded.

"I know! Shit. Accidents happen." Silver began to pick up the broken shards with his mental abilities. "That's what happens when we use a beer bottle!"

"Maybe we should use a plastic water bottle," Tails offered.

"I got it," Jet volunteered, raiding Sonic's fridge.

"Hey!" Sonic was ignored as Jet continued to rummage through the fridge for a water bottle. As he dug around, his curiosity got the better of him, and he started to examine the contents of the fridge. He saw a few packages of hot-dogs, obviously there to appease Sonic's chili-dog fetish. There were also a lot of fruits, some...eggs? Jet made a mental note to look into that. He also found...Well, he couldn't identify it completely. Clearly, it was an animal at some point; a fact that Jet found morbid, all things considered. It was a small body that had already be plucked and wrapped in plastic. That's when Jet noticed the label. It read: **POULTRY****.**

"What the fuck? Why is this in here," Jet demanded, pulling out the bird. When Tails saw it, he sprang up and snatched the raw meat from the Hawk's hand.

"Don't worry about that! Just forget about it!" Tails was frantic. "You were supposed to find a water bottle!"

"Yeah, and what I found was a dead bird! How am I supposed to react to that?"

"Well, Tails _is _a fox. He eats those things," Sonic explained.

"Don't forget we have a several hundred pound man-eating machine right here," Espio pointed out, gesturing towards Vector.

"Um, Jet you're a hawk. You eat meat too," Storm pointed out. "If fact, just yesterday-"

"Can we please get on with fucking game," Shadow shouted.

"Shadow's right. No one wants to read about our diets," Sonic agreed. Jet grumbled something inaudible and returned to his seat with a plastic water bottle. Jet proceed to chug the water down before handing it to Silver.

"Here we go!" Silver spun the bottle and watched it come to halt...point directly at Knuckles. The echidna raised an eyebrow and gave Silver a daring look.

"C'mon then! What you got for me?" Silver put his hand to his chin in thought, reaching into the darkest parts of his mind for a really fucked up dare. Then...It came to him. Silver smiled. "We're gonna have to take a little trip for this one," Silver announced. At that, Sonic summoned the red Chaos Emerald, because he totally had it with him the whole time.

"Not a problem."

* * *

><p>"So...I just have to survive one minute in there," Knuckles asked. Silver nodded. The group was standing atop of cliff side at Wind Valley. The gang were staring at the menacing tornado as if ripped the land asunder. As the swirling mass of dusty death inched closer, Tails could have sworn he saw a cow getting swept up into the storm. Suddenly, he felt sympathetic for Knuckles, having once jumped into the eye of the storm. Sonic, who was oblivious to such fear, smiled dumbly.<p>

"That tornado's carrying a car!"

"Well, you poor bastard, good luck," Shadow offered.

"He may need a bit more than luck," Vector joked. Just as he said that, the tornado ripped through a mountain, crumbling it to pieces before scattering the debris.

"A bit," Charmy asked.

"I feel like...It looks more dangerous than when we were here, Sonic," Tails pointed. The blue hedgehog nodded in agreement.

"Yeah...Really looks like you're fucked, eh Knuckles," Sonic teased.

"Oh, fuck you guys! I can do this," Knuckles declared. He began gliding in the direction of the tornado and could feel the pressure from it. He tensed as the tornado's direction changed and it approached him, almost as if it detected his presence. Knuckles braced himself. "TOUGHER THAN LEATHER!" Almost immediately...The expected result happened: Knuckles's body was stretched and pulled as the violent winds snatched him right out of the sky. The echidna was flung towards a a large piece of mountain. Seeing it coming, Knuckles brought his fist forward and shattered it. However, the winds weren't through, as he was dragged onto another piece of mountain and was pelted with debris. Knuckles coughed painfully, as he noticed it was also difficult to breathe. He mentally scolded himself for not bringing his Air necklace. Knuckles attempted to maneuver himself in the air, but gasped when he saw _metal tracks and spike balls _headed for him. "What the fuck!?"

* * *

><p>The gang nearly jumped when they saw vibrant display of rings and blood explode from the tornado.<p>

"Someone should have warned him about all of the metal objects in there," Tails said.

"Too late," Shadow waved off.

"You guys think he's okay," Silver asked.

"Eh, I wouldn't worry about old Knuckle head. He's as tough as they come," Sonic replied, noticing, but ignoring the glare he received from Silver. Vector had did his best to collect whatever of Knuckles' rings that went in his direction. Espio noticed and shook his head in disgust.

"Greedy bastard," he whispered. Charmy was watching the tornado in complete awe while Jet and Storm watched in interest.

"That tornado is packing some serious wind power," Jet observed. Storm nodded. Jet smirked and got an idea. "Almost as if it's good enough wind for an epic race on our Extreme Gear. What do you say, Sonic," Jet proposed. Sonic's eyes widened and he turned to Jet who was eyeing him up and down.

"Jet, hell no! There's no way, I'm ever racing you again! I've already proven myself to you too many times! I'm damn sure not jumping into a freaking tornado...Again!"

"Why not...It's not so bad." Everyone turned to see Knuckles, or what was left of him, standing before them. Several of his dreads were torn off, his left eye was missing, his femur bone was popping out of his elbow, and he had multiple lacerations on his body. But the determined look in his one eye was not dead! "I told you! Tougher...Than...Leather," he breathed out. Instantly, he fainted on the spot. There was a moment of silence...Followed by loud cheers!

"That was good," Vector yelled.

"Great," Silver cried.

"Awesome," Tails added.

"Outstanding," Shadow cheered.

"AMAZING," Sonic bellowed. Espio went to Knuckles' aid and examined him.

"Which is not what we can say for our friend," Espio announced. "In fact, he's dead."

"Meh, we'll fix him with some plot, and he'll be good as new," Sonic waved off. He continued to ignore that the story was lacking a plot. Shadow noticed the tornado was heading in their direction...and had turned _red. _For a moment, Shadow panicked. He quickly reached into Sonic...'special place' and retrieved the red chaos emerald. Sonic felt violated. Shadow raised the chaos emerald and activated Chaos Control.

"LET'S. GET. MOVING!"

* * *

><p>In a vibrant flash of red light, the gang were all back in the kitchen, all sitting at the table. Though, they weren't in their same seats, but decided for the sake of all the fucks they didn't give not to move. Miraculously, Knuckles was completely healed.<p>

"My turn, bitches!"

"Okay, okay! Just spin the damn thing," Jet ordered. Knuckles would have flicked Jet the bird, despite the irony of it all, but couldn't for obvious reasons. He had to simply settle for sticking his tongue out at him.

"Knuckles, can you try not to spin it too hard? I want to finish this game sometime today," Espio joked. Knuckles didn't respond, but did take note to hold back. With a spin of the bottle, suspense rose until it came to a halt...Sonic's eyes widened.

"_Me?_"

"Yes, Sonic. You," Shadow answered.

"This ought to be good," Silver chirped, hopefully.

"Oh, it will be," Knuckles assured, and stood from his seat.

"Are we leaving the building again," Tails asked.

"Eh, we're just heading to the beach, that's all," Knuckles answered. Immediately, Sonic got a sinking feeling..._Get it! Cuz, they're at the beach and Sonic can't swim? Oh, screw you people..._

* * *

><p>The boys were at Emerald Coast, just overlooking a stony cliff. Knuckles had a smug look on his face while Sonic was staring into the water as if it was hot lava.<p>

"You know...There's still time for me to reject this. I mean, we didn't _have _to come all the way out here. I mean, Knuckles can't hit _that _hard," Sonic tried to reason.

"Hey, Sonic," Knuckles called. Knuckles walked over to a large boulder and smashed it to pieces and grinned back at Sonic.

"C'mon, Sonic. You haven't even heard the Dare yet," Espio stated. That was true, but Sonic had unpleasant memories with this beach. Sonic started to feel a bit better...But Knuckles killed that.

"I dare you to jump in," Knuckles challenged. Everyone gasped.

"What?! Are you trying to kill him," Tails shouted is shock.

"You monster," Vector accused. "You know Sonic can't swim!"

"You're a terrible human being!"

"Charmy, I'm gonna explain what's wrong with that sentence later," Espio said. "But Knuckles, what is your motive exactly in making Sonic drown in water."

"It's not the water," Sonic said quietly.

"What," Shadow asked.

"It's not the water. The water isn't the problem," Sonic explained. "I can swim...slightly. But I can also hydroplane easily." Sonic looked at noticed he was getting confused looks from the less intelligent of the group. "I can run on water," he clarified.

"Then what's the problem," Shadow asked.

"It's what's in the water," Sonic stated, grimly.

"What's in the water," Silver asked. Just as that was asked, the loud call of a whale resonated all over the beach.

"What?! HAHA. You're afraid of whales? Sonic, you pussy," Jet teased.

"You don't know what they've done to me."

"Hey, Sonic. You see that lighthouse over there," Knuckles pointed out. Sonic looked over to wear Knuckles pointed. Across the water along a pier was a lighthouse. "Run to it and back. Going on the water."

"Do I have to," Sonic asked.

"No, I'll just punch you into orbit and-"

"Okay, Okay I got it!" Sonic swallowed. "Here I go!" Sonic jumped into the water and immediately began to tread the water. It was a a bad effort, but he was at least staying above water. "Okay. So far so good." No it wasn't...

"Well, well, well, if it isn't our good friend, Sonic." Sonic quickly turned in the water to see a large orca staring him down. By the sound of it's voice, it was male. "I haven't seen you since 2006! Hey, Benny! Come up and look who it is," the whale called out. A second orca made its way to the surface and smiled when it say Sonic.

"What is it, Jay. Oh shit! Big Blue, is that you?! Damn, it's been a long as time. Why don't you come down to Emerald Coast anymore," Benny asked, who was also male. Sonic smiled nervously.

"O-Oh you know. I've just been busy. You know, saving the world and all that jazz and-"

"Hey! We should play that game we used to play," Benny suggested.

"W-what game?"

"Oh, I think you know, Sonic." This came from Jay, and his tone was very sinister. He started drifting towards Sonic.

"Yeah. You know..._that _game," Benny agreed. Sonic gulped. He spun in the water and kicked his legs as hard as possible. Despite not being the best swimmer, he was quite the speedy one.

"Get'em,"Jay ordered as the two whales chased him. It wasn't just a game. Those two whales were after Sonic's _life. _

"Stop playin'! stop playin'! Stop playin'," Sonic chanted fearfully. Eventually, he was able to get his legs out of the water and he started running away. He could barely here the sounds of the whales' laughter behind him. In seconds, Sonic made it to the lighthouses. He sat down on the land and took a breath or relief.

"Now run back," he heard Knuckles order. This time, Sonic wouldn't just jump in. He'd run. The second Sonic jumped in however, a family of killer whales jumped out of the water and attacked him.

"Holy-!" Sonic quick stepped left and right to avoid them.

"Get his ass," Jay demanded.

"I want his shoes," one female orca called.

"Gimme them gloves," another demanded.

"Save his nutsack for me."

"Dammit, Benny. Now's not the time!"

"Sorry."

Sonic was panicking. He never understood what whales had against him, but he damn sure wasn't gonna take the time to find out. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuuuuuuuck," Sonic cried as he shot out of the water and smacked right into the mountain where his friends stood watching. He clanged to the mountain side desperately, nearly in tears.

"What! What," one of the whales called out, jumping at Sonic, daring him to move.

"You bring yo sweet, blue ass back here again, Sonic and see what happens, alright," Benny called.

"We're ready to go anytime," Jay warned, lighting a cigarette. Sonic simply sighed and climbed his way back to the top of the mountain. When he reached the top, he was both surprised and pleased to find that his friends weren't laughing at him.

"That was intense as fuck," Jet called.

"Do it again," Charmy, that little shit, insisted. Sonic gave him a look of horror.

"I was hoping he died," Silver expressed, gloomily. Shadow patted him on the back.

"We all did."

"Let's...Let's just get back to base," Sonic panted. He was giving Knuckles the evil eye, but didn't say anything further.

* * *

><p>One Chaos Control later, the gang were back in their seats.<p>

"Are you guys, ready," Sonic asked, preparing the spin the bottle for the second time.

"Hurry up, Sonic. We don't have all day," Shadow rushed.

"You know...We _kinda do _have all day, but I won't waste anymore time," Sonic responded. Sonic spun the bottle and watched for several seconds as it spun.

"Who's is gonna be," Charmy chanted, repeatedly.

"Not me, not me," Tails prayed. He was nervous. After having seen the last fear dares, he could see that shit had gotten real, really fast! The bottle slowed to a halt...pointing at Shadow!

"NO!" Shadow glared at the plastic bottle until it rattled and exploded from the ultimate pressure of the ultimate glare.

"Fucking- Shadow! Stop doing that," Sonic demanded.

"I refuse to do any dare Sonic conceives," Shadow stated.

"You can't do that," Jet barked.

"Yeah! You can't just break the rules at your leisure," Vector agreed. Shadow raised his hands defensive.

"But you're all forgetting one very important fact: I'm Shadow," he...argued?

"Damn, that's a good point," Charmy whispered.

"No. Just, fuck you, Shadow. You're going now," Sonic demanded. The Black Blur stood from his chair and readied a Chaos Spear, but Sonic was faster. He tackled Shadow to the ground and disrupted his attack.

"Get off me, fag!"

"Stop being such a drama queen! I didn't know the Ultimate Life-form was also the Ultimate Pussy," Sonic taunted. Shadow glared at Sonic and stopped struggling.

"Sonic, I'm gonna-," Shadow began. However, he tripped over his words when he noticed Sonic pursing his lips. Looking closely, Shadow could see a trail of spit rolling off of Sonic's lips. "Stop it," Shadow said, quickly. Sonic was staring Shadow directly in the eyes, letting the glob of spit fall slowly toward's Shadow's face. "Sonic, don't! I mean it!" Sonic sucked the spit back it, snorted harshly, and began to cough up a loogie. Sonic repeated his earlier actions and began to let the loogie fall down his chin. Shadow's pupils shrank in shock. "Sonic, I swear to God!" The spit was inching closer to his face, and Shadow broke. "Alright! ALRIGHT! I'll take my turn! Just get the fuck off of me," Shadow cried. Sonic smiled, leaned his head to the side, and spat the loogie expertly into the trash been. Sonic dismounted Shadow and allowed him to stand. Shadow glared at the blue hedgehog while dusting himself off, mentally plotting the most devastating things he'd do to Sonic later.

"I'm glad you came to your senses, Shadow," Sonic laughed out.

"Shut up and say your dare, Sonic."

"Okay, but we have to go to space," Sonic informed.

"What?!" This was the reaction from everyone.

"Yeah. Since it seems like we're all for doing things that'll get us killed, I don't see a problem with it," Sonic explained. This only instilled a bit of fear in Shadow, but he swallowed it down.

"And just what is it you want me to do in space," Shadow asked.

"I'll explain once we get to the Space Colony Ark," Sonic said. "If you'd be so kind as to teleport-"

"Chaos Control!"

* * *

><p>"-us to the...Hey! We're already here," Sonic explained. The gang were on the outside of the space colony, on one of the many control stations.<p>

"Wow. This is space," Jet whispered in awe. "Kinda strange, I didn't expect to be able to breathe."

"You've never been in space, Jet," Tails asked.

"We've never left the planet," Storm answered. "I know, we're avian thieves, genies, racers of alien descent, but we don't do a lot of alien things."

"Aboard the Ark, again," Espio said quietly.

"We aren't going to be finding any computer rooms, are we," Vector asked suspiciously.

"This place is nostalgic," Knuckles said. Silver raised an eyebrow.

"Didn't you come here several years ago to find the Master Emerald? You know, during the Sonic Adventure 2 days in Meteor Herd?" Just as Silver asked that, a large, flaming meteor struck Silver. He had _barely _enough time to jump out of the way, but he was still caught by the explosion and was blown into the wall. When he regain himself, he noticed that the debris from the meteor spelled out a message: _**LAST FUCKING CHANCE, SILVER!**_

"Enough of your irrelevant bullshit," Sonic chirped. "We've got shit to do." Sonic turned to Shadow with his greatest grin. Shadow was disgusted.

"Name the dare, Sonic. My body is ready," Shadow said, confidently.

"Alright, Shadow. Time for me to finish this!"

"Sonic, stop it with the damn quotes."

"Right. My bad. Okay, Shadow, I dare you to-"

Suddenly...Charmy.

"CLIFFHANGER, BITCHES!"

* * *

><p><strong>Review and shit...<strong>


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